The Life Inside Of Me
by CrimeSceneDna
Summary: Repost. Slightly changed, very slightly. New chapters now in progress. Everything was perfect until that night in December. CS again
1. Baby Please

' Baby please, don't do this.'

The words thundered through my mind as I woke up in a cold sweat. I panicked as I looked around, only to be calmed by realization that I was in fact at home, in my own bed….I was safe. Why can't I forget this, move on and start again. I've tried but it's hard, so hard. Subconsciously I move my hand onto my stomach and rub it gently, my slight bump reminded me of everything I was so badly trying to forget.

I guess I should explain. I'm Sara, Sara Sidle to be precise. I'm 30 years old and three months pregnant with a child I never really wanted. I was happy, engaged to the most amazing person in the world, sure we worked together in Las Vegas but it only made us stronger, we had our fights but doesn't everybody?! Everything was so perfect until one night in December.

////flashback////

'I saw the way you were looking at her! You were checking her out.'

'No honey I wasn't…I was just being friendly.'

'That's crap and you know it, I saw the way she looked at you earlier, you know her from somewhere.'

'Ok so I know her' I shout much louder than I had anticipated to.

'Where from, she your other lover you've kept hidden away somewhere?'

'She's….well…from a case.'

'I can't believe this! You've been seeing a suspect from a case?'

'I never said she was a suspect and I'm not seeing her, I swear it's the truth.'

'It's over, I don't want you in my life anymore.'

'Can't we talk about this?'

'There's nothing left to say.'

'Baby please don't do this'

//////End of flashback//////

I was so angry that I went straight to the bar, had several beers too many and ended up going home with some guy. I haven't seen him since, I could find him if I wanted to but I don't. All I want is her back. I foolishly thought being with someone else would make me realize that I didn't need her but it only proved how much I do need her and without her, my life is nothing.

We still work together and sometimes I catch her looking, looking like she knows what she's missing…maybe it's just wishful thinking but sometimes I think she wants me back. Up to now I've been able to keep the baby a secret, sure I've cut out all the coffee and junk I'd have in the break room. No one has said anything but I'm sure they have noticed, after all we are crime scene investigators. Over the last few days I've started to show so it won't be long until I have to reveal the secret I've kept locked away for so long…..too long even.


	2. But Mom

Lindsey runs through the front door slamming it behind her before running into the lounge. Every day for the last three or so months had been the same. Every day she still ran in hoping today would be different. Her face falls as she realizes today wouldn't be that day.

"Mom! When's Sara coming home?"

Catherine sighs while looking at the young child before her.

"I don't know baby….I just don't know."

"You adults are so confusing. I want her back, I miss her and I know you do to."

"Linds it's not as simple as that, Sara upset Mommy and I told her not to come back."

"So, you still love her. Mom I hate this, she made you happy and she still does, you are always sad unless you are thinking about her. Who is gonna help me with my homework now or let me stay up late on a school night or have pizza whenever I want?"

Catherine laughs slightly before answering "Certainly not me! You only miss her because she let you get away with murder!"

"ooooooommmmmmmmmgggg! I do not. She is the coolest person in the world, well apart from you. Go get her back….before it's too late."

Lindsey mutters something about having to use the computer and runs off into the study leaving Catherine alone to think about Sara.

"Shit! I'm going to be late." I mutter to myself as I run out the door and jump into my SUV. In fact I wasn't going to be late at all but I wanted to be the first in, to have some time and a sneaky coffee before anyone else arrived for the night shift.

I quickly walk through the parking lot and into the building smiling slightly at the young girl on reception before making my way to the break room. Fantastic no ones here! I sit down on the sofa curled up with a small cup of Greg's special coffee, surely he wouldn't miss one tiny cup, would he?!

My mind wanders to her, all I can think about is her. She's taking over my life yet she's hardly even in it anymore. I did wrong, sleeping around wasn't the way to get over this but at the time I wanted to think of anything but her, it didn't work. In fact throughout….all I thought of was her.

I stand in the doorway watching her, she looks so peaceful not knowing anyone is watching her. I realize how much I miss her, how much I need to hold her, to be around her, to love her. My mouth feels dry at the thought of talking to her and ruining this moment we have, this moment right now is our moment and no one can take that.

For months I've been telling myself that I never really loved her anyway and slowly I was beginning to convince myself but then my ten year old daughter makes me realize exactly what I am missing. It's kind of sad that a child has to tell their own mother to get out there and make that change but I'm glad she did because without that push, Sara would be slipping away even more.

Slowly I walk up behind her and cover her eyes with my hands, it was a risk but it's something I had to do, I'm not sure why but deep down I know this is right.

What the hell?! No they can't be her hands, oh god I wish they were but….no Sara just shut up and stop dreaming.

"Guess who?"

"Shit!"

"Well that wasn't quite the reaction I was expecting Honey."

"Well I wasn't expecting your hands on any part of my body, I'd like you to remove them if you don't mind." Came the agitated reply.

Catherine doesn't move her hands and Sara because increasingly uncomfortable.

"NOW!"

"Meet me in my office in five…..if I still mean anything to you"

Her hands trail off and she leaves the room leaving Sara alone, hugging her legs to her chest and crying gently. She doesn't move but watches the minutes tick by on the small clock to her left, she wasn't going to give in just like that. Part of her wants Catherine to feel the pain that she's been feeling since their last night together but the other part, the larger, stronger part wanted her to give in to whatever this is that she is feeling. Slowly she gets up and disappears to find Catherine.

'Knock knock.'

"Come in Sara and close the door, hopefully this won't take long."

The door clicks shut and Sara sits down in a chair opposite the desk, Catherine lowers herself onto the desk in front of them both and looks directly at the love of her life.

"Sara, I…..well I…..I just wanted to say that I miss you. I don't know how I've managed to get through these last few months, every day has been torture. Lindsey runs home every day from school praying you'll be there, it kills me to see her face fall every time."

"Cath I…."

"No let me finish! Damn it Sara I've been such a fool, I spoke to Claire…she told me everything, how she'd tried it on and how you'd told her I was the only one for you and that nothing would ever come between us. I fucking love you, more than words can say and I don't think I can go another day without you."

Sara remains quiet and looks away to hide the small tears escaping from her eyes at exactly the wrong time. 'Wtf is wrong with you, get a grip, she want's you back. Don't hesitate, you'll lose her…' She turns back just in time to see Catherine moving towards her, she takes her head in her hands and kisses her ever so gently.

"Take me back baby, I need you."

"I need you too."

They kiss again, this time more intimate than the last, Sara's hands race up and down Cath's body, taking in every curve and muscle, reminding her of everything she's missed. Slowly she slips her hands up Cath's tank top as their kissing deepens.

Suddenly Sara pulls away

"Baby I…"

Catherine holds her hand up as if to say ' Hold that thought' just as her office door creeks open and a familiar face appears in the doorway looking shocked at the scene before him.

"Wow sorry didn't expect to find you in here Sara" Warrick says in a surprised but excited manner.

"Does this mean…"

"Yes Warrick" Catherine cuts him off before he can finish his sentence.

"Damn! Hope I wasn't interrupting anything?!"

"No not at all."

Sara opens her mouth to speak but quickly closes it again as Warrick launches himself at the two women, pulling them into a hug. Sara closes her eyes and feels her whole world turn upside down.


	3. Promise You'll Stay

Lindsey storms into the house and slams the front door closed behind her, kicking over the coat stand and stamping up the stairs towards her room without noticing anyone around her. She'd had a bad day at school, a very bad day. Being home didn't bring any comfort and right now life couldn't get any worse.

"So Kiddo you're not even gonna come and say Hi to me?"

"SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Lindsey runs down the stairs and practically throws herself at Sara.

Laughs "Hey you, calm down. Anyone would think you haven't seen me for months."

"I haven't and I missed you soooooooooooooooooo much! Are you home to stay now because Mom has been so upset since you left, please say you are. I've got maths homework you could help me with and you can come watch this play we are doing at school annddddd we could go get pizza everyday."

"Woah slow down little one, we have all the time in the world to do those things. I'll always be here though, I'm not going anywhere."

"Even if Mom picks you up and throws you out?" giggling

"Even if your Mom picks me up and throws me out."

"Sara?"

"Yes Honey?"

"Promise? Forever?"

"I forever promise and promise forever."

Lindsey seems confused for a few minutes before smiling and snuggling into Sara's arms. Sara smiles at the small child clinging to her waist, this is all she had wanted for months but deep down she knows there are going to be many complications along the way. Lindsey interrupts her thinking.

"Let's get pizza!"

"Cath…….Cath… it's 5 o'clock shouldn't you be leaving to go get Lindsey?"

Silence.

"Catherine did you hear a word of what I just said?"

"Huh? Sorry Warrick, I was just thinking that's all and before you ask, I'm ok….I couldn't be happier. Lindsey's at home with Sara, well she's probably talked Sara into getting her pizza" A smile forms on her face.

"I'm so glad you two worked this out. I mean you both seemed so empty without each other and well….I'm happy…pleased….that. Man I'm making a mess of this aren't I?! You two were made for each other."

"I'm just scared, I think I'm possibly being paranoid but I feel like something is wrong. I can't work out what it is but there's something inside of me telling me to be careful. Hell I don't want to feel this, I know I shouldn't. Damn Warrick, I'm so confused!"

"Maybe you should just take things slowly….In all honesty though, I think you are just being paranoid."

He gently lifts Catherine's head up so she is looking into his eyes, he smiles slightly and wipes away her tears with the back of his hand.

" Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?"

"Only you Catherine……Only you."

"What's up Sara? You not hungry? You've hardly had anything."

"Nah not really Linds. Too busy thinking to eat."

"What ya thinking about?" Lindsey replies with her mouth full of pizza.

"You, me, your Mom, work, life in general."

"You should slow down, your brain might explode and I don't really want brains on my pizza."

"Lindsey that is gross!"

"Mom says I get that from you."

"Oooh really! I can believe that."

Lindsey carries on eating for all of five seconds.

"Saraaaaaaaa, can we go to the movies after this, can we? Please, please, please, please?"

"Hey it's my first night back and you're already earning me a night on the sofa."

"Not so bad if Mom were to join you."

"Ok missy that's enough of that, better get you home before I get in trouble."

Sara gets up and pays the bill leaving Lindsey sitting at the table, cramming the last slice of pizza into her mouth as quickly as possible. Sara holds out her hand to her and she happily takes it before walking to Sara's car. The journey home is extremely silent, neither quite sure what to say, it is obvious Lindsey doesn't want to talk about school and it is almost as obvious that Sara doesn't want to discuss her relationship with Catherine any further.

Lindsey runs straight up to her room as soon as she enters the house, leaving Sara to make her way into the lounge and sit herself between Catherine's legs. She feels Catherine's tender kiss on her forehead and closes her eyes.

"Good evening baby?"

"Yeah. It was good to see Linds smile again, although I think she ate rather a bit too much pizza."

"And who's fault is that huh? I hate to think what you'd bring your own kids up on if you had any."

Catherine was only joking but Sara went quiet and withdrawn at the comment, pulling herself out of her lover's grip she moves quickly into the kitchen and gazes out at the night sky. _Why the hell did she have to say that?! I could be a great mother, no, I will be a great mother. So what if I don't know what I'm doing, I'll learn. I'll do whatever it takes, with or without Catherine._

'Nice fucking move' Catherine screams at herself. _Why can't I just keep my big mouth shut. It was a joke, I didn't know she was considering children. Damn maybe I should have left this alone…..I don't think I want to go through that baby stage of life again. _

Catherine moves into the kitchen, wraps her arms around Sara's waist and whispers her apologies into her ear, gently kissing her neck in between. Before either of them realizes what is happening they are in the bedroom, clothes are thrown all over the floor and they find their bodies tangled together under the sheets. Catherine slowly rubs her hand up and down her lover's thigh, trying to get the reaction she has longed for, for so long. She closes her eyes and enjoys the moment but it is short lived. She opens her eyes as Sara grabs her hand and moves it away.

"Not tonight…I'm not ready."

'Ok" Is all Catherine can mutter as she snuggles her head into Sara's chest and falls asleep. She dreams the perfect dream, she sees Sara and Lindsey running through green fields, smiling and joking, her two favorite girls in the world were happy and that was the way it was always going to be. Even if it was only in her dreams.

Catherine wakes up to the sound of the alarm and reaches over to give Sara a good morning kiss, she keeps her eyes closed and feels around beside her for that familiar presence but there is nothing there. She opens her eyes, panicking that it was all a dream. Tears form in her eyes as she engulfs herself in the large white sheets of her bed. It's not until an hour later when she reawakes from her slumber that she notices the note carefully stuck to the mirror.

Cath,

Work phoned, they wanted you but I didn't want to wake you. Nick needed help on a DB in Henderson. I'll see you at the lab later maybe? Tell Linds I said to be good at school,

Sara


	4. A Day To Remember

Catherine strolls into work without a worry in the world, her daughter is at school enjoying her day, her girlfriend is collecting evidence at a crime scene and she would be seeing her as soon as she got back, which could be any time within in the next few hours. She bumps into Grissom in the corridor who is in a hurry.

"What's the hurry Gil?"

"I've got bugs calling, this is going to be a fascinating case."

"Oh and Cath, don't rush into things, Okay?"

"Gil go see your bugs."

"But if you need anything….anything at.."

"Gil!"

"Ok, I'm gone."

She throws herself into the nearest chair in the break room and thinks about the huge stack of paperwork on her desk that she must get on with before Conrad gets on her back. Greg and Warrick enter the room discussing evidence of a body dump case Grissom had already given them before Catherine had arrived.

"If we had positive identification on this we might have somewhere to go." Warrick sighs to nobody inparticular.

Catherine is about to reply when she notices Sara's police scanner on the table in front of them, she figures Sara must have brought it in with her to listen to, so she could occupy any boring moments in the day. Suddenly the scanner clicks into action.

"CSI DOWN!!! CSI DOWN!!! URGENT MEDICAL ATTENTION NEEDED. LOCATION 124 5TH AVENUE HENDERSON"

"Was that Nick's voice?" Asks Greg.

"Shit! I think so."

" Oh my God Sara!!!" Catherine utters as she falls to the floor in disbelief.

At the crime scene Nick is at Sara's side holding her, trying to keep her awake. He's seen enough cases and had more than enough contact with medical staff to know that it is important to keep the injured awake. Pain rips through him at the sight of his work college, no his best friend lying before him in a pool of her own blood. _Why is this happening now? Now that everything is good again, the team are back together, stronger than they have ever been before and Sara and Catherine are back in each others arms, where they belong._

Sara struggles to keep her eyes open and focused on Nick, her head is spinning and she can feel a piercing pain running through her chest. It had all been a blur. She'd felt ill and thought the fresh air would do her some good. Allowing her to clear her mind and her body of the ill feeling inside of her. She'd suggested that Nick took the interior while she worked with the exterior, he'd agreed, he had no reason not to, after all the police had secured and ok'ed the area before the two csi's arrival. She tries to remember exactly how it played out but nothing is making sense.

"Sara keep talking to me, stay with me. Damn it Sara don't you dare quit on me!"

"Nick….I….." Nick realizes it's extremely hard for her to speak.

"Don't try to talk just keep focused on my face ok, don't close your eyes."

"Tell…"

Nick squeezes Sara's hand and looks over to the property entrance as he hears the ambulance approaching the scene. Two medical staff run over with their kits. _Oh great things just got worse. I can't believe Hank is here!_

"Shit Sara." They both say at once, taking each other by surprise.

Sara's worst nightmare is coming true, the two people she hates most in the world are right before her, it is in their hands that her life lies. She wants them to feel the hurt she had to feel, all the hurt they caused her, unintentionally maybe but this was payback. She slowly stops trying to fight this and allows her mind to begin shutting down.

"Hank…..Ben….Tell….Cath..I…m…s…o….r..rrr…y."

Sara's eyes flicker closed and her grip on Nick's hand loosens. Nick shakes her gently not believing that he'd got lost in the moment and allowed her to let go. His cell rings loudly and he quickly answers.

"Nick it's Gris. What's happened?"

"It's Sara, she's been shot Gil, SOME BASTARD SHOT HER!!!"

"Nick stay calm for me, is Brass with you?"

"No he's gone straight to the hospital to arrange appropriate measures from that end."

"Gris, this isn't good, Hank's here."

"Just concentrate on Sara."

"Her pulse is fading guys, we're losing her….we need to move now!" Hank screams to the rest of his team as they prepare to move her body onto the waiting stretcher.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SARAAAAAAAAAAA." Nick cries to his lifeless friend. Grissom's heart skips a beat as he moves the phone to his chest and for the first time in a long while, he allows himself to cry.

"Excuse me Sir, is Ms. Sidle your partner?"

"Yes, well work partner. She's my best friend."

"I don't have anyone listed as next of kin so would it be ok if I asked you some questions?"

"Sure go ahead…..anything to help."

"How far along is she?"

Nick looks up from the spot on the floor that he has been focusing on for the last twenty minutes since his arrival at the hospital. There is nothing interesting with the darkened patch of the hospital floor apart from its ability to occupy Nick's mind with everything apart from the events, which the previous hours held. He wipes his tears away not wanting to come across weak. _What did she just say? How far along is she?! Damn there must be some kind of mistake!_

"Sorry I don't understand."

"Ms. Sidle is pregnant."

"No, no she isn't. She can't be. Are you sure?"

"Yes quite sure."

"I…. I. I…didn't…. know."


	5. Divided Loyalty

"Nick what's going on??? They won't tell me anything."

Catherine runs along the corridor and straight into Nick's open arms, he holds her close crying with her. _I wonder if she knows? What am I supposed to say? I can't tell her just in case, it's not my place to say, it's Sara's._

Catherine buries her head into Nick's chest, crying hysterically. So much is running through her mind and her body just wants to give up. _Why did this happen? Why her? Why didn't she wake me, it's supposed to be me lying there losing my fight for life. God damn you Sara!_

Nick shuffles along to the nearest chair and sits himself down, pulling Catherine onto his lap and holding her head against his chest. He leans down and gently kisses her forehead telling her everything will be ok. Catherine settles slightly as they look towards the direction of footsteps approaching them.

"Jim."

"Nick, Catherine. I've just spoken to Dr. Anderson, Sara's been taken down to surgery to remove the bullet from her chest. If all goes to plan she'll be back with us before 2 this afternoon."

"I want to see her, I need to see her right now."

"Catherine calm down, none of this will be any good for Sara, we all need to be strong for her right now. I'm sure you can see her as soon as her surgery is over. I've got to get going, need to chase up a lead on this before it's too late. Let me know as soon as there is any news."

Brass turns and walks away leaving Catherine and Nick alone in the quiet hospital corridor. Neither say a word as right now silence is easier.

"Catherine. I know you guys only just got back together but Sara is really going to need you when she wakes up, please be strong for her."

"Do you know something that I don't?

"No, no I just meant that she might be reluctant to go back into the field after this, she'll need all of our support."

"I don't even want her to go back in the field after this, I'm so scared of losing her, I can't go through all this again. Nicky are you sure there isn't something else you want to tell me?"

"Catherine I swear. I'm just so worried about you…both of you, you know I love and care about you with all my heart. I don't know if I can handle you both breaking down."

"Oh Nicky…don't you worry about us, we'll look after each other. Nothing will break us up this time."

Nick struggles to fight with his emotions. His head is telling him to tell Catherine but his heart can't betray Sara. He sighs and realizes either way he's betraying one of them. He curses himself for agreeing to talk to the nurse and closes his eyes still keeping Catherine protected in his strong arms.

A vase smashes against the wall sending glass everywhere. A middle-aged woman moves to pick up the pieces. She sighs quietly to herself as she moves into the kitchen to dispose of the fragments. _So stubborn for such a young child, she is definitely her mother's daughter. If only I could convince her that I only have her best interests at heart. _Walking back into the living room she finds the child exactly where she left them, she sits down beside her and slips an arm around her crying form.

"Lindsey honey, I know I frustrated you but that wasn't a very nice thing you did."

"I WANT SARA" Lindsey shouts through a stream of tears.

"We've already had this conversation. It's best if you stay here until she's better."

"But what if she doesn't get better Auntie Nancy, what if she dies and I don't have chance to say goodbye?! Just like with Daddy. She would want me there. I didn't get to tell her I love her before I went to school. What if she's forgotten?"

"Sara knows you love her and she isn't going to die."

Just as Lindsey is about to grab another object off the side the door bell rings and Lindsey places her hand back into her pocket.

"Well it looks like my favorite vase was just saved by the bell." Nancy says as she goes to answer the door.

"Uncleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Warrickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!" Lindsey screams pushing past Nancy to get to him.

Warrick smiles and scoops the young child up in his arms, giving her forehead a gentle kiss as she giggles at him. After a lot of persuasion he convinces Nancy to let him take Lindsey for the day. Of course Lindsey is over the moon that she doesn't have to mope around for the next few hours just waiting on the news she's so scared to hear. Nancy feels uneasy but kisses her niece goodbye and closes the door as she watches Warrick helping Lindsey with her seatbelt.

"Are we going back to your house?"

"Nope."

"To my house?"

"Nope"

"To work?"

"Nope"

"To the park?"

"Nope, give up yet?"

"No"

"Ok I give, where are we going?"

"We're going to see Sara, I thought you'd like that and I know she'd like that."

Lindsey smiles and goes quiet for a while.

"Uncle Warrick?"

"Yes Lindsey?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Kiddo."


	6. You Don't Promise Like That

Lindsey takes the seat nearest to Sara's hospital bed and Warrick sits down beside her, looking sadly at his friend lying before him._ What if she doesn't wake up? How are Catherine and Lindsey going to cope? Hell how are we all going to cope? We would never be able to get over this, hiding ourselves in work wouldn't even help as we'd always have that constant reminder that someone was missing….that someone being our Sara. _

"She is going to wake up isn't she?"

"Of course Honey, She'll be back to normal in no time."

"Promise?"

"Yup."

"You don't promise like that." Says a quiet voice to their right.

"SARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA." Shouts Lindsey throwing herself into Sara's arms.

"Careful Kiddo, I'm still rather sore."

"Sorry. Oh my God I'm so glad you are awake."

"Me too Linds, me too."

Warrick smiles unsure of what to say, Sara smiles back equally lost for words. She looks around the room noting that someone or something is missing, her heart skips a beat and a small tear forms in her left eye as she realizes what it is.

"Warrick where's Cath?"

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"You know sometimes I don't know if this is what I want anymore. Times have changed"

" What do you mean?"

"Sara and I split for all the wrong reasons but maybe that was how it was meant to be. We're different people now, we want different things in life."

"Different how? Sorry I just, I thought you loved her."

"Oh Nicky I do, so damn much but I'm scared what our future holds. We had a small argument about kids the other day, it's got me thinking."

"Kids?"

"Yeah, I made some dumb ass comment, it was just a joke. Sara went crazy about how she could be a good mother. I never knew she wanted kids and I just…I guess I'm just too old to go through all the baby stuff again."

Nick's eyes widen in shock.

_Shit, We are in trouble now. I've got to talk to Sara before Cath does. I need a plan. Come on Nick think! How can we work this out?! Woah take a step back, I only have the nurse's word on this she could be mistaken…..let's just stay calm until everything is confirmed. Don't jump to conclusions and everything will be ok._

Catherine notices a change in Nick and suspicion sets in.

"Ok Nick now I know there is something you are hiding from me. Isn't it time you told me?"

"Cath….I….want to it's just, I can't."

"Nicky please."

"I think you should talk to Sara."

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"I don't know Sara, we didn't see her on the way in. I guess Grissom needed her to finish a case or something. I could go look for her for you?"

"That won't be necessary." Catherine calls from the doorway.

Her eyes are fiery, so much anger held up in them. Anger at the hidden secret and anger at Sara going to the crime scene instead of her. No one takes Catherine Willows cases, not even her girlfriend, especially not her girlfriend.

"Warrick take Lindsey to get something to eat."

"We ate earlier."

"Yeah Mom I wanna stay with Sara, pleaseeeeeeeeee."

"OUT NOW!!!"

Warrick grabs Lindsey and quickly leaves the room. Catherine closes the door and pulls down the blinds, the anger in her eyes increasing with every emotional thought running through her mind. Sara looks towards the love of her life just wanting to feel loved.

"Baby?"

"Don't you 'Baby' me!"


	7. I Don't Wanna Fight No More

Captain Jim Brass and Gil Grissom walk towards the interrogation room. This is not one of Gil's favorite things but today he feels like he has to do this, he owes Sara this much. He will be the one to catch the person responsible for this terrible tragedy and bring his team the justice they deserve. Gil swallows as he enters the room and sees the man before him, people skills really aren't his thing.

Jim closes the door and uses all his inner strength to fight the urges to jump over the table and smash the suspect's brains out. He sighs and takes the only empty seat left in the room before clearing his throat and beginning.

"Nice of you to join us James."

"It's not like I really had much choice is it?!"

"You lost every right to choice when you stabbed a young man to death and shot a csi."

**Laughter fills the room**

"She wasn't supposed to be there, dumb bitch. I told her to just let me go but no she had to fight, typical work junkie with nothing better to do. Probably doesn't even know the name of that baby's father. People like her disgust me, dead is she?"

"Unfortunately for you she isn't."

"Yes. What a shame that is, still she'll be scarred for life. I guess that will do."

Brass gets up and leaves the room, his anger rising too much to allow him to stay. Gil turns to James.

"You will be going away for a long time, there will be no deal in exchange for motive or explanation so if you don't wish to record your reasons I will get the officers to escort you out."

"Like I said, she wasn't supposed to be there. Craig was my best friend, he'd always been a nasty piece of work, to everyone else that is. He never did anything wrong by me until last week. I caught him screwing my girl, we had an argument and I left. I never intended anything else to happen until that stupid bitch told me she was leaving to be with him. I couldn't let that happen, so I eliminated him for the equation. Simple as. I don't care that I'm going down, I don't even want her no more, I just had to make sure he couldn't have her either."

"You mentioned a baby. Was there a baby at the scene with you?"

"Apart from the one inside your CSI friend no. Ooh you didn't know, why doesn't that surprise me. You guys call yourself crime scene investigators and you miss something so obvious. Hey dude maybe it's even yours."

"Officers remove this man immediately."

The officers handcuff James and drag him from the room kicking and shouting abuse.

"Hit a nerve did I Mr.Grissom?"

Grissom ignores him and removes his glasses. He subconsciously cleans them wondering how the hell he hadn't noticed the change in Sara. He lets his mind play back the last few months. _Come to think of it I haven't seen Sara drinking coffee at all recently, she's never so keen to pull a double now .I thought that was just because Catherine was giving her a hard time, I know what she can be like. I must be losing my touch, maybe my CSI days are nearing an end._

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"Lindsey your Mom isn't mad at you."

"It didn't seem that way back in the room."

"She's just upset, she was scared she'd lose Sara."

"I know…we all were. I was really scared too. Auntie Nancy said I couldn't see her so I got mad and smashed one of her glass vases. I didn't mean to do it, it just happened. Do you think that's what happened with Mom?"

"You know what Linds?"

"What?"

"I think you are one clever cookie, that's exactly what happened with your Mom!"

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"I'm so damn mad at you Sara. What the hell where you thinking? You answer my phone and then go work a scene they asked me to work, why didn't you just wake me? It's supposed to be me lying in that bed right now not you. Then to top things off Nick is hiding something from me and he says to talk to you about it. I think you have some explaining to do."

" You just looked so peaceful sleeping, I knew you were tired so I thought it would be best that I went. I only had your best interests at heart sweetie and I don't have a clue what Nick is on about, I'd have to talk to him."

"That's irrelevant. It wasn't your place to make that decision."

"We're a couple Catherine, couples make decisions like that for each other. They look out for each other and they protect them in every way they can."

"You could have died Sara! Just imagine what I would have felt like, guilt would have eaten me up inside, I'd have never got over it….never. I love you but this is all too much. I was so scared, I still am. I don't think I could handle losing you to a hole in the ground."

"I'm sorry for upsetting you but I will NOT pretend to be sorry for going instead, I'm glad it was me they shot and not you, I'm glad I just went through that surgery while you were being looked after by our friends and I'm glad it's me lying in this bed right now while you stand before me looking as beautiful as you did the day I first saw you. I Sara Sidle am not sorry for that."

"I look like shit, I've been crying for hours." Catherine lets out a small giggle through her tears and looks into her girlfriend's eyes.

"Hey it's impossible for Catherine Willows to look like 'shit'"

Catherine lets her defenses down and sighs heavily, they had a lot of making up to do. Well after Sara was better of course.

"Baby I don't wanna fight no more."


	8. The Game Is Up

It's been several long weeks since the shooting and the mood at work is nothing to look forward to. Catherine is becoming extremely depressed as both Grissom and Nick seem to be avoiding her as much as possible. Sara is not back to work but has been out of hospital for a few days, Catherine however has only spent about thirty minutes with her girlfriend in this time, most of which was helping her up the stairs and into bed. Catherine kicks Sara's locker in frustration and turns to her best friend sitting beside her.

"I'm sorry Warrick I just needed to get that out."

"Hey don't apologize to me. You might wanna hold onto that until Sara sees that big dent in her locker."

"I'm sure that will be the last thing on her mind by the time she sees it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Work's getting to me, it's like everyone is gossiping behind my back. Grissom and Nick know something about Sara but neither one is talking and Sara well I've been avoiding her."

Warrick laughs.

"You guys live in the same house, share the same bed, how is it even possible to avoid her?"

"That couch in the break room is rather comfy you know."

"Oh Cath…"

"I just need to know what the whole damn world is hiding from me, the longer I'm kept in the dark the worse I keep thinking this something must be."

"I swear to God Cath if I knew I would tell you but no one is telling me either."

"Because they know you'll tell me."

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

_**Standing in front of the mirror looking at my exposed belly isn't doing me any good. Since I found out about this baby my world has been turned upside down. I got back with Catherine even though I knew I was pregnant, I didn't even tell her, didn't give her a chance to walk away before we even started again. I did try, once, maybe twice but the moment was always taken away. First by Warrick and the second time by Catherine not taking no for an answer, she can be….well very persuasive**._

_**I don't remember much of the shooting or of the surgery but they say some guy confessed, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, story of my life huh?! I remember the hospital though, that's something I'll never forget. **_

_**I've been home three days, I think I've slept through most of them. Lindsey's been running around getting me stuff, Catherine's been tied up in work and Nick keeps ringing my cell…I think he knows. I need to tell Catherine but I'm so scared of losing her, I'd rather just run now and not let her ever find out. My secret could ruin her, hurt her beyond repair and I'd lose everything. I know running isn't the answer but right now it seems like a good option.**_

_**I love her so much, more than anything in this world, I love Lindsey too and I will love this baby with all my heart. Everything could be so perfect, Catherine and I bringing up our two beautiful children together, having our wedding just like we planned, working the job we love and living happily ever after….well hey I can dream, can't I?! I'm 17 weeks tomorrow, it's all gone so fast, I just wish I could turn back time…..**_

Sara puts down her pen and closes the diary before placing it back in her bedside cabinet. Slowly she eases herself up from the chair and heads to the bathroom to shower all her troubles away. Today would be the day where she finally told Cath the truth.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Sara? Baby you home?"

"Mmmm I'm up here." Sara calls down the stairs.

Catherine walks up the stairs and into her bedroom, Sara is sitting on the bed with only a towel wrapped around her. She smiles up at her girlfriend and motions for her to sit down next to her. Catherine ignores her and leans against the doorframe suddenly noticing that Sara has put on a lot of weight.

" I want you to tell me whatever it is that is going on. I can't handle this anymore. I know the guys at work know, they all avoid me and if I do manage to catch one of them they go quiet at the mention of you. Honey what's so bad that you just can't tell me?"

"It's just I should have told you before we decided to try again, I tried in your office, remember? I wanted to tell you something but Warrick interrupted us, he was so happy that we were back together that I just got lost in the moment."

"I remember but there's been plenty of times to talk to me since then, we were alone a lot at the hospital."

"I was tired and it didn't seem like the right place. I just want you to know that I haven't told anyone, I'm not sure how the guys found out but it wasn't from me. I always wanted you to know first. Now I'm just scared that you don't love me anymore."

By this time Sara is crying and Catherine breaks down at the sound of her lovers words. She sits on the bed and pulls Sara into her arms, gently stroking her back.

"Don't be stupid, I do love you, I'm just a little mad and at the same time concerned and worried and every other emotion under the sun. I've been avoiding this conversion because I'm so scared that I can't handle whatever it is you have to tell me."

Catherine and Sara remain in each others embrace, stomachs pressed together and Sara's head nestled tiredly into Catherine's neck, neither want to break the moment as they both fear the words and reactions which will follow the conversation neither one is prepared for. Sara opens her mouth to speak but is cut short as she feels a kicking movement in her stomach. Hoping Catherine hasn't felt it too she closes her eyes but her heart sinks as she feels Catherine move away from her, it was too late, she'd felt it.

"Oh God Sara…"


	9. Toxic Love

So I'm being nice and giving you another chapter so soon, I'm working on a veyr frustrating chapter (which is probably gonna be chapter 14) at the moment so it might be a while between 13 and 14 so I'll try update regularly inbetween then.

* * *

"Shit."

Catherine gets up off the bed and moves away before collapsing in tears against the full sized mirror propped up against one of the four walls enclosing them. Her head falls naturally into her hands giving her a perfect view of her engagement ring, she pulls it off and throws it towards Sara. Sara moves towards her and wraps her arms around the crying form of her girlfriend.

"Shhhh baby it's ok."

"Get the hell off me."

"Catherine please, I didn't ask for this to happen. If I could turn back time I would but we can't, we can only move on from this." Sara is now crying.

"Well you can start by moving out of my house."

"No."

"No?"

"No. I won't lose you again, I can't. Baby put your ring back on, this can't be over. I walked away last time without a fight and there hasn't been a moment that's passed that I haven't regretted it. Catherine you and Lindsey are my life, my everything…without you I am nothing."

"I don't remember giving you an option."

"I'm not leaving, you don't want me to."

"How could you possibly know what I want?!"

" Cath please…."

Seconds later Sara is left all alone, the front door slams and Sara falls onto their bed, crying hysterically.

* * *

_I run from the house as fast as I can. I'd like to say I know where I'm going but I don't, I have no idea, I just had to leave. I had to be anywhere but there. It's raining and I'm soaked through, I believe I have found the moment and the situation where I Catherine Willows can indeed look like shit. _

_Of all the things in the world, I never imagined that she was pregnant, not once. I only noticed the weight gain as of today, she's been so careful to hide it. I tried to pretend everything was going to be ok no matter what she had to say to me but who was I trying to fool?! Hell we haven't even had sex since we got back together, I guess I now know why she went cold every time I tried to get near her…she didn't want me to find out. Did she think the longer she left it, the more chance there would be of me staying? Well she was damn wrong._

_I feel like such a bitch but you have to understand, I'm 40 years old soon to be 41, I've done my share of changing nappies, sleepless nights, school, parties etc. I'm just too old to be a mother again, although I guess technically I wouldn't be a mother. Maybe I could try but if it doesn't work out it's only going to cause her extra pain, I cant do that to her._

_And what about Lindsey? How is she going to feel about having a baby brother or sister. It'll be hard on her, having to share what she's so used to having all to her self. The big age gap could be difficult but then again it could help them get along. Lindsey would be the person they look up to, they could tell their problems to her if they didn't feel they could talk to Sara or me…woah hold up Catherine. What are you doing?! You're imagining yourself in that perfect family of four situation that you don't want._

_Damn I wish I knew what I wanted, truth is I'm extremely confused, hurt and feel somewhat betrayed._

_I wonder what she's thinking right now. Maybe I should turn back and go check that she is ok, wait of course she's not ok, I just broke her heart and my own with it. Love hurts. We've made it through so much already, we've come so far and now I'm throwing it all away, our dream wedding, our happy family, our world, our….my everything._

"One Vodka please."

"Coke? Ice?"

"Hold the coke."

Catherine sighs and looks over towards the stage looking at the young girl strutting her stuff in front of a crowd full of perverts just as she had done herself many years before. She wipes a small tear from her eye and turns back to the bar.

"Make that a double."

_

* * *

_

Lindsey walks into the kitchen to find Sara lent over the sink surrounded by at least ten empty beer bottles. Lindsey calls out to her but gets no reply so grabs hold of her arm and pulls her round to face her. Sara's eyes are blood shot and her right hand is tightly grasping a half empty beer bottle.

"What the hell are you doing? Are you completely stupid?"

"Linds, I didn't drink anything. God I wanted to but I couldn't do it. I decided to empty them all instead, I thought maybe it would help."

"And is it?"

"I'm not sure, maybe a little."

"Has Mom gone?"

"Yeah, she's left me."

Sara breaks down once more at the realization of her own words. Lindsey prizes the beer bottle from her hand and leads her over to the sofa. They snuggle up, both just happy to be held. Lindsey speaks words of comfort to Sara but soon sees it's having no effect. After having a tiring day at school Lindsey finally allows sleep to take over. Sara closes her eyes and lets her mind drift through the mass of trouble she has caused.

_If only I had told her straight away at least it would have been perfectly clear where each of us stood, unlike now were I don't have a clue what's happening. All I know is that she's left me, the only woman in the world for me is gone. It's all my fault, I won't blame her. How can I expect her to bring up a child she doesn't want, a child we didn't decide to have together?! Truth is I can't, it's my screw up and I have to sort this out myself. _

_I could go find the father but what's the point? As cruel and crude as this may sound all he was to me was a quick 'shag' to try and forget that Catherine left me. It didn't help me forget and now look what's happened because of that night. She's left me yet again, it seems to be the story of our life, well my life._

_Maybe she'll come back once she's cooled down. Maybe she'll tell me everything will be ok and that she'll stand by me through good times and bad or maybe I'm just fantasizing about something that can never be._

_It's over……No, NO!!!!! It's not over. I will not let it be, sometimes you have to fight for the things you want, the things you need and that's what I am going to do. Catherine is my baby and she always will be, I know she loves me and I know we can work through this. She could love this baby just as much as I will, if only she'd try….._

* * *

"Well well if it isn't Catherine Willows." 

Catherine turns round not recognizing the voice, she smiles at the woman standing before her.

"April, long time no see."

"Indeed. No longer married to that loser of a man you called a husband?"

"Nope, I'm getting married again though, well I was. We just ended it, well I mean I just walked out."

"Hey dude fill her glass up will ya?"

She whispers behind her hand to make it a triple before smiling back down at Catherine.

"Why'd ya walk out? What'd he do?"

"She's pregnant."

"The bastard had another woman???"

"No my fiancée, well ex, she's pregnant."

"Holy shit."

"Don't seem so surprised."

"Hell if I'd known this years ago believe me you'd have never married Eddie."

Catherine laughs a little.

"You know, I love her more than life itself but…"

"You don't know if you can handle another child."

"I don't know if I want to."

"Well babe if you love her as much as you say you do then you'll do it anyway. I think you know that. I think you also know that you'll be going back to her and apologizing for your little outburst, which I'm sure was justified before you jump down my throat."

"Maybe you're right."

"No maybe about it sweetheart."

Catherine downs her newly poured vodka in one and places the glass back on the bar while motioning to the bartender that she's had enough. April watches the older woman with interest thinking why she hadn't noticed how beautiful she was before, well she had but not in the same way.

"I guess I better be heading back."

"I guess so, it was nice seeing you again."

"You too, might see you around. Take care."

Catherine gets up and starts to walk away, suddenly realizing she's had a lot more to drink than she remembered.

"Catherine….wait."

Catherine turns back around to face her friend.

"Fancy one last ride? For old times sake?"


	10. Nothing In The World

**The Next day: 10:05 am**

Sara stretches then cringes realizing she slept on the sofa yet again. Slowly she sits up and registers the time. She finds a note stuck to the TV and gets up to read it.

_Sara,_

_I've taken Lindsey to my place, she seemed too upset for school. She won't tell me what's up. I'm kinda hoping you can? Come collect her when you're ready, I'm more than happy for her to stay here for as long as is needed._

_Nancy_

Sara sighs and throws the letter into the trash can beside her before walking into the kitchen to face the mess of last night. She's surprised to see that all the bottles are gone, the washing up is done and the trash emptied. She walks slowly to the cabinet she normally hides her beer in and finds a note from Lindsey.

_Sara,_

_Don't worry I got rid of the evidence._

_I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu _

_Lindsey_

Sara laughs and folds the note back up before slipping it into her pocket and walking upstairs. She has a quick shower to freshen up and changes into some black jeans and a tank top, not caring anymore who notices her baby bump.

**11:05 – A Small flat just off the strip**

Catherine groans at the beam of light almost blinding her through a gap in the curtains, she turns over to go back to sleep when she suddenly realizes this isn't home. She turns back and looks at the person next to her.

"Shit!"

She jumps up and pulls on her jeans and top which are by the door before running into the bathroom and rooting through the cabinet on the wall, eventually she finds some pills and takes two. A quick glance at her watch tells her to hurry up, she runs down the stairs two at a time after realizing the lift would take just as long. She pushes through the main doors and is overwhelmed by relief to be out of there.

She walks hastily along the street until she spots a taxicab and jumps in before a businessman makes his move. She mutters that she's sorry, slams the door and informs the driver of her destination before sitting back and relaxing slightly.

"That's $25 please."

Catherine suddenly remembers she hasn't got any money but quick thinking saves the day.

"I'm Catherine Willows from Las Vegas Crime Lab, could you just bill this to there, Gil Grissom will pay."

She flashes her badge and waits for the driver to nod before jumping out and heading towards her front door. After about five minutes of turning out pockets and trying to remember where she hid the spare key she finally lets herself in and looks around for Sara.

"Sara?"

No reply so she heads up the stairs and into the bedroom.

"Honey? Why didn't you answer me?"

"I guess I didn't hear you."

Sara turns around to face Catherine, her cheeks tear stained and her eyes bloodshot. A single tear runs down her face, Catherine moves her hand up and gently wipes it away with her thumb before looking to the floor then back into Sara's eyes, she sees all the love and security within them, it is now she realizes that without Sara she is nothing.

"You know sweetie when I said nothing could break us this time I meant it. There's nowhere that I'd rather be than here."

_It's been so long I can't remember when  
We didn't care how deep it was  
We dived right in  
Watching everything around us disappear  
Oh I've missed you here _

_And it seems the little things get in the way  
We're so caught up in routine from day to day  
Sometimes it feels like we're not anchored anywhere  
Oh I've missed you, yeah  
_

_So tell me there's nothing in the world  
That could ever come between us  
Show me you're not afraid tonight  
Baby make me believe  
That there's nothing in the world that could ever  
Steal the moment from right here and now  
(Nothing) Nothing...in the world  
_

" Sara….I'm scared."

"Me too baby but we can do this."

Catherine falls back into Sara's arms and closes her eyes. Sara gently plays with the strands of Catherine's hair covering her face, neither knowing what to say. Slowly a ring is slipped back onto an awaiting finger, smiles form on their lips as they fall into bed, back into each others arms. _  
_

_Two shadows falling back together now  
Baby we spent too much time just hiding out  
And there's nowhere that I'd rather be than here  
Cos I've missed you, yeah _

So tell me there's nothing in the world  
That could ever come between us  
Show me you're not afraid tonight  
Baby make me believe  
That there's nothing in the world that could ever  
Steal the moment from right here and now  
(Nothing) Nothing...in the world

* * *

The sound of her cell phone rings through her head as she wakes, the bright sun light shining onto her, she lifts her arms up in part protest of having to wake up so quickly after such little sleep and in protecting her eyes from the evening rays.

"Sidle"

"Sara where are you? I need you. Hurry up and come get me."

"Honey slow down, what's happened?"

"I'm at the lab."

"Lindsey what are you doing there?"

"Uhhh Nick caught me walking along 5th on my own."

"What has your Mom told you about walking off on your own?"

"Not to but I needed to see you, there was this woman looking for you, she said it was important. She looked really mad Sara."

"Did you recognise her?"

"No, she just turned up at Auntie Nancy's but she didn't see her, I answered the door."

"It's ok Linds. I'll sort this all out."

"Where's Mom?"

"She's here, with me. Everything is going to be ok, I promise."

"You don't promise like that."

Sara laughs.

"Just let me get changed and I'll come get you, sit tight ok?"

"Ok. Cool, bye."

"Oh and Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's just keep this mad woman between me and you, just until we find out more."

"Only if you buy me pizza."

"Nice try, See ya soon Kiddo."

* * *

Lindsey looks up at her Mom and then at Sara knowing both of them are as mad as each other and that there is no way she's going to be able to play them today. _Damn I__'__m gonna be grounded for like forever__…__..so not fair. Bet no other kid has been grounded this much hmmph!_

"Sweetie what have I told you about wandering the streets of Vegas, it's not safe baby."

"I know Mom, I just wanted to make sure you two weren't splitting up again and that Sara was ok."

"No such luck kiddo, together forever. Nothing can break us."

"This is sooooooooooo cool and I'm gonna have a baby brother or sister too. Awesome!"

Catherine picks up on the fact that even her daughter had figured it out without help but she lets it slide, there are more important things in life.

"Let's go home and watch a movie together, it's been a long time since we've done that, it's about time we were a family again."

Catherine smiles and takes Sara's hand leading her towards the door, Grissom stops in the doorway and offers a weak smile but nothing more. Catherine feels the need to enforce some issues and wraps her arms around Sara placing them protectively on Sara's stomach.

"Something you want to say Gil?"


	11. Playing Games

* * *

"No, no. Just looking in that's all."

"Good, well I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Indeed you will. Oh and Sara, congratulations."

"Thanks Gil, it means a lot."

Grissom nods his head and walks back towards his office, muttering quietly to himself. Sara, Catherine and Lindsey head out of the lab towards their car, all more than ready to go home.

* * *

A woman walks into Las Vegas crime lab and up to the reception desk. She quickly looks around to see if there is any way past without being seen, after realizing there isn't she sighs and turns to the receptionist.

"I'm looking for Sara Sidle."

"I'm afraid she isn't in today."

"Do you know where I can find her?"

"Unfortunately I am not at liberty to give out that sort of information."

"I appreciate that but you must understand this is very important."

"The only thing I can do is ring her and ask for permission."

"Sure I'll wait over there."

She moves slowly to a chair while the receptionist dials a number into the handset. She watches carefully as a conversation progresses, all the time trying to work out exactly what she would say if Sara turned up.

She hadn't really thought any of this over she just knew she had to talk to her, she had to fight for what she wanted even if she had to tell a few lies along the way. The receptionist hangs up the phone and gently shakes her head.

"Well could you just give her this for me."

She hands over a small package and quickly leaves without saying another word. Several minutes later Catherine walks through the doors, smiling sweetly as she passes.

"Hey Catherine, someone left this for Sara, I wondered if you could take it for her?"

"Sure thing, thanks Ash."

Catherine walks into her office throwing the package to the side and sitting herself down for a night of paperwork and work on a missing persons case. Grissom is in his office talking to his bugs, Greg is processing evidence for Catherine and both Warrick and Nick are out in the field with Brass.

Sara is at home in bed, unable to get comfortable as too many thoughts are running through her mind. She sighs and rests her head against Lindsey's as she feels her snuggle up to her. Tonight was going to be a long night.

* * *

**December 16th**

Sara sighs rubbing her stomach gently, today she would be 8 months pregnant to the day. She looks to the empty space beside her in the bed and gets lost in her thoughts.

_I'm so damn bored. They won't let me work so I'm stuck at home all day with nothing what so ever to do. I won't lie, the last few months have been difficult. Everybody at the lab was great, apart from Ecklie but I don't really care what he thinks. _

_This is all so hard, I don't really know where to start. I guess the beginning is the best place of all. Although it's easier to tell it in my own order. I moved back into my apartment almost two months ago now, it's different being back here, it's so hard to get used to the quiet life once again. If you hadn't guessed Catherine and I are over, I left her. _

_Someone left a package for me at work, it was a picture, a picture of Catherine with another woman in the bar she used to strip in. I was so angry, anywhere else and I wouldn't have minded but she promised me she didn't go there anymore. She dropped me the usual it was because I was upset, I didn't know where else to go shit but this time I wasn't buying it. As for the other woman she says she didn't sleep with her but I know for a fact she didn't come home. This woman was an old stripper friend of hers and I know they've been together before, it was only sex then so I guess it was only sex now. Catherine still swears blind nothing happened and that she just crashed there for the night to clear her head but I'm so confused._

_We still talk, she comes round every day to see how I am, she makes me lunch and everything. Hell she's really trying to prove to me that I'm her only one. Lindsey is devastated she wouldn't talk to me for almost a week after I left, then she told me she hated me and I was throwing away my life. I think she may have been right. She's forgiven me now and is always around here keeping me busy, she's gone away for the weekend with school so right now I'm really missing her presence. _

_When I saw that picture, as impossible as it might sound I fell out of love with Catherine right there and then, she no longer meant anything to me. I know that sounds stupid and unrealistic but it's how I felt however it's no longer how I feel. I'm falling back in love with her with every day that passes. I let her stay last night, it was supposed to be just a friendly cuddle nothing more but the sexual energy she gives off without even trying was too much to take, it sent me over the edge…I guess I'm trying to say we made love and it was amazing, just like the first time but I'm sure it wasn't the right thing to do. She's gone now, I dunno where, probably to hide away from the mistake we made._

_I just wish I knew how to make this all go away. I think I want her back, just the thought of it is killing me. There's this huge part of me that doesn't even care that she went back to the strip club, it doesn't care that she may have slept with another woman because at the end of the day she was my woman and it's me she loved. At least I thought so._

_Maybe one day we will be a family again._

_

* * *

_

_I could kill April, the stupid bitch. I didn't sleep with her we just shared a bed, it was nothing more. I swear on Lindsey's life that it was nothing it shouldn't have been. I don't know why one of my best friends would do that to me. She knew Sara was my life and that I would go back to her, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sara and now it's completely fucked up. I hate life, so much so I'm considering ending it all. Lindsey will be fine with Sara, she loves her. I know it's selfish but you have to understand that without Sara my life is nothing._

_We ruined every chance of us getting back together last night. Why is it that totally amazing mind blowing sex always ruins things. God I want her so damn much but no I always muck it up big time. _

_I wish I could prove to her that nothing happened. This is the whole Sara/Claire situation all over again, at least now she knows how I felt when I thought she'd been shagging her. Of course she hadn't just like I haven't touched April in that way. Well recently anyway. I'd die to get Sara back and right now I could even be heading that way._

_I'm sitting in a cell at the station, it seems they found April's body last night and some shit head ratted me in for being there. Well I wasn't there when she died I didn't know anything about that until this morning. I went looking for her, I wanted her to tell Sara nothing happened so I could get my life back. Of course she wouldn't because there was nothing in it for her so I hit her, I just wanted to scare her but it didn't work. She just shouted shit that I didn't even register, I walked away and left her to continue shouting at the concrete beneath her feet._

_It's going to look like I did it, my DNA is probably all over that body. Maybe the whole world thinks I did it. Time of death is supposedly around midnight, I however was very much engaged inside Sara's pyjama bottoms at that time. You see I could get out of this easily but I'm too damn proud to tell the whole world I was busy doing my ex at the time. Plus that would drag Sara into things and I don't want that. I don't even want her to know, the stress is bad for her._

_All this shit has made me realize I want that baby more than anything in this world, I can't wait until it's born, even if Sara won't take me back. I'm so excited, almost as much as Lindsey is. My life was finally coming together I just couldn't see it and now I've seen it flash before my eyes, it's too late._

* * *

"Catherine stop playing games, you and I both know you didn't do this."

"You are the one playing games Gil, if you know I didn't do it then get your ass out there and catch whoever did."

"Your DNA is all over her."

"Figured as much."

"You are making this sound like a confession."

"No you are just interpreting it as one."

"What happened?"

"We fought, I slapped the bitch and then I turned around and walked away, didn't see her again after that."

"Where did you go afterwards?"

"Just a bar, couldn't tell you the name of it though, it wasn't very nice. I went home after that. Not much of an alibi really, no one else was in. Just in case you'd forgotten that Sara left me and I now live pretty much alone. Lindsey's on a trip as you know already."

" You are hiding something."

"It's nothing of importance."

"If it's important enough for you to hide it's important enough for us to know."


	12. Behind The Glass

Sara stands behind the glass with her arms crossed against her chest watching the scene play out before her. She doesn't know if she is angry or upset or maybe a little bit of both. She slowly touches the cold glass and allows a tear to fall.

"Does she know I'm in here?"

"No."

"I need to talk to her."

"Sara."

"Jim please, I can't watch her ruin her life, we all know she didn't do this."

"Ok go ahead, tell Grissom I said it's ok."

"Thanks Jim."

Sara kisses him gently on the cheek as she walks past. Nervously she knocks on the interrogation room door and explains to Grissom and the officer that she has permission to be alone with Catherine for a while. They both leave and Sara walks in taking the seat Grissom had sat in moments before.

"Baby look at me."

"Catherine?"

"I can't."

" You didn't seem to have a problem with that last night."

Catherine looks up and Sara tries not to smirk.

"Damn it. I fall for that everytime."

"Why don't you just tell them?"

"And disgrace you in the process? Never."

"We didn't do anything wrong Catherine."

"You're 8 months pregnant Sara and having random one night stands with your ex. I think that ruins your reputation."

"Screw my reputation, well ok I guess we already did."

Both smile slightly at the private joke.

"I'd rather be locked up than do anything to hurt you."

"This is bullshit. You are not taking the rap for a murder that you didn't do."

"There's nothing you can do about it, if I can't have you then I have nothing to live for. Being inside will stop me doing anything stupid."

"Like last night you mean?"

"No…yes….I dunno. I don't know why or even how last night happened. I regret it but at the same time I don't."

" What if last night wasn't a random one night stand?"

"There is no point in what ifs. I'm not doing this."

" What if I don't regret last night?"

"Sara stop it."

"What if I'm falling back in love with you?"

Catherine is getting increasingly pissed off and quickly looks for a way out.

"What if April and I had sex that night?"

Sara looks at the floor and shakes her head. She hadn't expected that. Ok so she was winding Catherine up, she knows how much she hates the 'what if 'game but she's desperate to keep Catherine from making the biggest mistake of her life.

"That doesn't matter anymore."

"If it doesn't matter then that means there was no point in us breaking up."

"Catherine, there was every point in us breaking up but now is different."

"No now you are giving me false hopes just to watch me walk out of here then stab me through the heart."

"I love you."

"Is that your way of saying you're taking me back?"

"No it's my way of saying we need to talk, to take things slow and maybe eventually get back together."

"Just go home Sara. I'm not your life anymore."

"I'm not leaving you here."

"If I wasn't in here we wouldn't be having this conversation, you would just be pretending last night never happened and avoiding me."

"I wouldn't."

"You would Sara."

"Last night wasn't supposed to happen, I admit that but I wanted it to happen, I didn't just get carried away in the moment. Ideally I wanted to be back together before we started taking things that far again. We can't turn back time Cath but we can try to make this work now."

"Again this is just because I'm here."

"No it isn't, lets just go home and talk things over."

"Goodbye Sara, take care of yourself."

"Cath stop it."

The room goes silent and Catherine looks away, Sara fidgets nervously in her chair unsure of what to say. She knows that to Catherine it looks like she's only saying things to get her out which in a way is true but at the same time she means every single one of her words.

"Honey come on talk to me?"

"Catherine!".

"Fine! I hope you rot in here."

Sara gets up and storms towards the door, not looking back for a second, she reaches out for the handle but stops as she feels a rush of pain pulse through her stomach. Her hands fly to her stomach as she grimaces through another bout of pain. Before she has time to realize what is going on Catherine is at her side and Jim and Gil are running into the room.

"Sara what's wrong?"

"I think the baby's coming."

"But it isn't due for another 4 weeks."

"No shit Catherine!"

Sara leans her head onto Catherine's shoulder as she feels her hands take hold of her sides. She relaxes slightly as she realizes the pain has passed. Grissom has gone to call an ambulance as Brass watches on with a worried expression covering his face.

"I'm ok."

"No sweetie we need to get you to the hospital. Labor isn't going to stop just because you want it to."

"I'll cross my legs for the next month."

Catherine smiles and realizes that Sara is scared.

"Everything will be ok."

"Don't leave me."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Jim call Lindsey."

Brass leaves to make the call and Sara looks to Catherine who is crying.

"We can't go on like this anymore Cath, it's now or never."

"Cath? Please answer me."

"Lets just get you outside to wait for the ambulance."

"If you don't want me just fucking well say it."

"Sara please, we'll talk later."

"No we'll talk now."

"You're in Labor, we don't need this conversation right this second."

"Well you know what, I need this now. Tell me what the hell you want."

" I don't want you."

Sara struggles out of Catherine's grip and slaps her across the face sending Catherine flying to the floor in shock.

"All that shit you've just put me through, sent me into early labor and you don't even want me, you are one heartless cow Catherine Willows. If anything happens to this baby it's your fault."

Grissom moves Sara towards the ambulance, trying to keep her from killing Catherine, Nick looks on confused and bends down to help Catherine up. He tells Gil he'll meet them at the hospital later once he's sorted things out and silently watches as the ambulance pulls away.

"What the hell was that about? You know you want her!"

"Of course I want her but the truth is, I slept with April Nicky."

"Oh Cath, you swore you hadn't."

"At that moment I hadn't, after I realized I wasn't getting Sara back….well I thought everyone thinks I did it so I might as well. I didn't argue with her that night like I told Gil, we were doing everything but that."

"Damn Cath you sure know how to mess up your life."

"Yeah and it gets worse than that, I crawled straight out of April's bed and into Sara's."

"You know she'd never find out, only you, me and April know right? And April sure as hell can't tell her, I never will, it was a mistake I know that, I'd have probably done the same thing. So that just leaves you…"

"And that's what I'm worried about."


	13. Follow The Evidence

'Hey.'

'Hey.'

'How are you?' Sara bends her head slightly to try and catch Catherine's eyes.

Catherine doesn't answer and lowers her head even more.

'I'm sorry for slapping you, I didn't mean it. I guess it was just the hormones.'

Silence.

'Cath please, say something. Nick told me you didn't mean what you said. I know you were just angry, I forgive you. There's more important things in life.

'Like what?'

'Like getting you out of this hell hole.'

'It's not that bad, actually I quite like it.'

'Are you out of your mind?!'

'I'd like you to go now.'

'Tough. I'm not ready to go. Everyone knows you didn't do this.'

'Evidence says otherwise.'

'Who cares about the evidence.'

'Follow the evidence, it never lies. They followed it and that's why I'm here. I need to serve my time and it'll be easier for you if you just move on. Pretend I don't want you, that I don't give a damn and move on with your life.'

'You're not the woman I fell in love with.'

'No, she left a long time ago and I don't think she's ever coming back.'

'She's still in there somewhere, I know she is and I wanna ask her something.'

'Ask away.'

'Cath….will you marry me?'

'What?'

'Will you marry me?'

'Why the hell would you want to marry someone who is looking at serving a life sentence. I'll be 66 by then.'

'You won't be serving much longer baby I promise.'

'I can't get out of this, even if I wanted to.'

'We'll find evidence and we'll get the person who really did this. Your life is at home with me and the children.'

Catherine smiles slightly.

'How is he?'

'He's beautiful, no he's perfect.'

'I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me most.'

'I know you wanted to be and that's enough. I've decided on a name, well a suggestion I want to put to you.'

'You can call him what you want, he's your son.'

'No Cath, he's OUR son and I want to call him Brandon Sam.'

'That's beautiful.'

'He's gonna be a fighter baby.'

'Just like his Mom.'

They both go silent for a short while and line the palms of their hands up together against the glass divide.

'Sar get me out of here. I love you.'

'I love you too and I promise I'll do everything to get you back home.'

* * *

Sara walks quietly down the back alley behind the club, she scans the faces in the shadows and keeps walking. She reaches into her pocket and flips the safety catch off of her gun and grips it tightly as she walks further into the darkness.

'Hey you.'

'Whatya want?

'You're April's friend right?'

'Who the fuck wants to know?'

'I want to know so you better start fucking talking.'

'Ah you must be that bitches girl, Ap said you'd come snooping around.'

'Excuse me?'

'Well she shagged your girl it's obvious you were gonna be dead mad an all, took you a while though and ya girl killed her to shut her mouth.'

'Cath didn't kill anyone, you know that as much as I do.'

'So? Whatya gonna do about it?'

'You're going to tell the truth.'

She laughs slightly.

'Sorry to disappoint hunny but I'm sticking by my girl. That bitch used her so she deserves to rot in hell. You can't save her….not unless you say it was you.'

'Or maybe I'll say it was you, plant a little evidence, pay a few people to talk. Now who do you think they are going to believe, a CSI or a cheap prostitute that begs for business so she can pay for her next fix?!'

'I believe that's blackmail.'

'Call it what you like' Sara pulls her gun out and points it towards the woman.

'Now start talking.'

'Ok so there was this guy, I dunno his name, I never seen him before but she knew him, she smiled at him, not openly but I saw it. He started a fight after she left, Ap told us all to go but I didn't I hung round the corner and they were hitting and pushing each other. I don't think he meant to but you know he shoved her that lil bit too hard and bam she's dead.'

'He knew who?'

'Catherine. They def knew each other, dunno where from, like I said I never seen him before.'

'You better not be lying to me, I swear to God I'll come back and find you.'

'Wll you don't have much choice but to believe me, now go before the police turn up, they normally cruise along bout this time and I don't wanna be here when they do so get the fuck outta my way.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Two visits in two days. People are gonna start talking.'

'Who is he Cath?'

'Who is who?'

'The guy that argued with April.'

Catherine swallows slightly.

'Please tell me you haven't been to the club.'

'I went last night.'

'It's not safe to be hanging around there in the dark.'

'I didn't hang, I held my gun in some woman's face and got the answers I wanted. Now tell me the truth.'

'Sar'

'This is the only way to get you out of here.'

'He's called Mark, he used to work for Sam but I didn't know they knew each other. He just turned up as I was walking away, he's not like the others. He isn't dangerous, so I just left, I thought maybe they were together or something.'

'Well that night he was dangerous, he killed her.'

'They'll connect it to me.'

'But it's worth the fight.'

Sara holds a picture up against the glass.

'He's dying to meet you.'

'Get me a lawyer….a good one.'


	14. The Court Room

**This chapter has had many changes and such and was a bummer to right, so I'm sorry if it's not as good as it could have been but the changes have just totally blocked my mind now.**

* * *

Today is the day of the trial, the beginning of the rest of our lives, I straighten my suit and take Lindsey's hand as we walk into the court room. At first I wasn't sure that Lindsey coming was a good idea but she insisted she needed to be here. I know she has every right to be here, it's her Mother's trial, she probably has more right to be here than I do but part of me doesn't feel completely ok with this situation. I hoped Lily would be here to give us some moral support but she was the only one available to babysit Brandon so I guess we're on our own. I look towards Cath, her eyes are so pale and she's a shadow of her former self, I'd say she must have lost at least 15 lbs in the past few months. I really hope that this isn't drawn out too long, the stress could kill us both.

This is a little scarier than I thought it would be, I wonder if I should have listened to Sara when she said this was a bad idea. There's so many people and it's in their hands that my Mom's freedom lies. Life is so unfair, they don't even know her but they are gonna judge her straight away. I swear they better let her out or I'm gonna kick that judge's fat ass. I'm not sure I can live without her around and visiting the prision every week really would not be cool.

Catherine places her hand on the bible and looks towards the judge.

'Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?'

'I do.'

'Mr Jenkins please proceed with your questions.'

'So Ms Willows how long have you been a Crime scene investigator?'

'About 13 years.'

'And before that what was your occupation?'

Catherine bites her lip and her attorney jumps in.

'Irrelevant question your honor, what does her occupation have to do with anything?!'

'Objection over ruled please answer the question Ms Willows.'

'I used to work in a club.'

'As a waitress?'

'No, I used to dance.'

'So you sold your body for money?'

'No, I danced. It was my job, it's not something I'm proud of it but I did it to feed my little girl.'

'So you didn't use the money for drugs?'

'Objection your honor.'

'Mr Brent please you know this is a relevant line of questioning considering the victims line of work. Now be seated.'

'Ms Willows?'

'Some went on drugs, mainly for my husband.'

'Would your husband be able to testify that?'

'No. He's dead.'

_'God damn it Cath' Sara mutters under her breath and looks to the floor._

'How did. He looks at his notes.

'Eddie die?'

'It's unsolved but thought to be drug related.'

'So would it be fair to say that strip clubs and drugs were a big part of your life back then?'

'I guess it would.'

'You guess? Yes or No will be sufficient.'

'Yes.'

'No further questions your honor.'

Blake Jenkins smirks as he returns to his seat and James Brent curses as he rises to ask his own questions.

'Pushing the past aside you've been in your current occupation for 13 years and have been promoted?'

'Yes, I'm currently shift supervisor.'

'And you've always been dedicated to the job?'

'Yes.'

'On the night in question you worked until 10:30pm and left stopping at the store to get your daughter some chocolate and then went to go and see Ms Watkins, is that correct?'

'Yes.'

'And how long did you stay?'

'Not long, maybe ten minutes.'

'What time did you leave?'

'About 11:30, maybe a little later.'

'But you were definitely gone before midnight.'

'Yes I was back home by then.'

'With your daughter and partner.'

'Yes.'

'No further questions.'

Blake stands up looking intensively at the notes he's just made.

'You say you only stayed ten minutes but I have a witness who saw you enter Ms Watkins apartment at around 10:45pm and they didn't see you again until 11:30 when you followed the victim into the street and hurled a series of abuse at her.'

Silence

'I put to you Ms Willows that you left work at 10:30, maybe went to the store but arrived at Ms Watkins apartment at 10:45 and undertook in some sexual acts before starting an argument in the street where it could be openly witnessed.'

Silence

'You do not deny these claims Ms Willows?'

'It wasn't like that.'

'So where am I wrong? Did you have sex with Ms Watkins?'

'Yes.'

'In the past or on the night in question?'

'Both.'

'Both, so you were having a relationship?'

'No, we used to work together. We were just friends.'

'And friends have sex with each other on a regular basis do they Ms Willows?'

'No, it was just casual. We argued afterwards and I left, she was still alive.'

'What did you argue about?'

'I wanted her to tell the truth.'

'The truth?'

'That I hadn't slept with her.'

'But you just told me that you did in fact sleep with her.'

'Not on the night she told my partner we had.'

'Ah so she wrecked your relationship and to build her trust you slept with her then killed her.'

'No….'

'No further questions your honor.'

'Court adjourned, we will resume in 30 minutes.'

As Catherine is lead back to the cells she looks up to the public stand and sees tears streaming down Sara's pale cheeks. Lindsey's head is in her hands and Catherine begins to realize what a mess her life has started to become.


	15. A Lie For A Lie

**Sorry for the long wait in updating but I've been really busy at work. This is also the last chapter I have done so it may be a while before the next, although I am trying to write this afternoon.**

**Enjoy**

* * *

30 minutes later and the court is resumed, Sara takes the stand ready to fight for everything she stands for. Catherine never wanted her to come to court let alone take the stand but Sara ignored her pleas and agreed.

'Ms Sidle how long have you and Ms Willows been together?'

'About 3 years.'

'And you've been solid during that time?'

'We've had our fights but doesn't every couple?!'

' Were you aware that Ms Willows had cheated on you?'

'No, I wasn't aware.'

'If a woman who claims to be totally dedicated to you can cheat on you do you think it is possible that she may in fact have hidden other things from you, like for example killing her ex best friend?'

'No. No of course not, she wouldn't kill anyone.'

' But it is fair to say that you can not trust her.'

' I trust her with all my heart.'

'So when you left her because you thought she had cheated on you, you still trusted her?'

'No but I do now, all of that is behind us now.'

'It seems you and Ms Willow's relationship is all a bit of a joke.'

'Mr Jenkins that is inappropriate, stick to questions or finish this session.'

'Sorry your honor, I will proceed.'

'Would the jury please discard the last statement and make no conclusions from it.'

'Ms Sidle you have said you've had your ups and downs but on July 30 were you together?'

'Not exactly, we'd split up over the cheating accusation but were working things out.'

'So when Ms Willows says she was home by midnight with you and her daughter this is a lie.'

'No, she came to mine at about 11:45pm. Our daughter was staying with me for the weekend, she was already asleep.'

'So she crawled out of Ms Watkins bed and into yours.'

'It seems that way.'

'It does not seem that way, it is that way. How long does it take to get from that part of town to your apartment?'

'I don't know, maybe 5 minutes drive.'

'So Ms Willows would have had time in between last being seen at 11:30 and being seen by you at 11:45 to kill Ms Watkins and return home, in fact from your own information she actually had 10 spare minutes. This is a fair assumption do you not agree.'

'I agree but she didn't kill anyone, she wouldn't. She didn't need to kill anyone to get me back, we were working it out, we…'

'Ms Sidle please stick to the question asked.'

'Sorry your honor.'

'No further questions.'

James Brent stands up and sighs to himself knowing that he has a lot of work to do to clear Catherine of the crime and for Crime Scene Investigators they weren't making it as easy for him as he would have liked.

'Ms Sidle, you and Ms Willows in fact plan to marry next year and were already back together on July 30?'

'That is correct, although we weren't officially back together by then.'

'But you had worked out your differences?'

'Yes.'

' How many children do you and Ms Willows have?'

'Two. A girl and a boy.'

'And your youngest is only 3 weeks old?'

'Yes.'

'And did Ms Willows and yourself plan this baby together?'

Sara swallows and looks towards Catherine.

'We did.'

'And Ms Willows missed the birth of your child as she was in a cell.'

'Yes.'

'So you would say your relationship is strong?'

'I would.'

'So Ms Willows would have no reason for getting rid of Ms Watkins.'

'Correct.'

'No further questions.'

Court closes for break of day and Sara leans against a wall trying to get her breathing back to normal. Lindsey sits at her side unsure of what to say and hoping Mr. Brent would reappear with her Mom.

'MOMMMMMMMMMM.'

Lindsey throws her arms around her Mom. After being left alone for five minutes, Catherine turns to Sara, trying to express her anger without being so loud that the nearby officers will hear.

'I can't believe you just lied in a court of law. If that bastard goes away and finds out that we didn't plan him that's it for me and they'll lock you away too.'

'He won't find out, no one except people at work know.'

'So now when he snoops around they'll have to lie to. To make the decision yourself to lie is one thing but to drag the others into this is another.'

'So we're going to fight and split up yet again are we?'

'No, Sar I just wish you hadn't lied.'

'It was stupid I know but it's the only way I could see us getting out of this and you lied to me. You slept with that bitch, what did she have that I don't?'

'Nothing baby, I just thought if I'm not getting you back I might as well do what I was accused of.'

'I guess that makes us both stupid.'

'I guess it does. And you know, I never said yes to marrying you.' Catherine whispers before walking back towards the officers.


	16. Life Without Her Part 1 Sara's POV

**Authors note: So I know it's been ages since I updated but finally the next chapter is here. I know Cath's behavior in this chapter is pretty wild and some people may not like it but I promise there is a reason and it will be explained in part two of this chapter. Hopefully I will update next week sometime or even today or tomorrow, I'm working on it now :)  
**

* * *

So it's been 352 days, 16 hours, 24 minutes and 13 seconds since they found her guilty. They didn't sentence her for murder but got her for manslaughter, she got 5 years. Can you believe it, 5 damn years she has to spend in that rotten jail while April's real killer is out there getting on with their life as normal, it disgusts me. Every day has been a struggle, I think the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the children need me to be strong for them, obviously Brandon is too young to understand but Lindsey is broken, broken beyond repair. A girl needs her mother and as hard as I try I can never be Cath, my advice always seems to be wrong. I'm not saying we don't get on because we do but the mother daughter thing just doesn't work, we're better off as friends.

Not seeing Catherine when I wake up every morning is killing me, I used to take for granted the way she'd always have her hair sprawled over the pillow and thinking about the way the sun used to make it glisten as it seeped through the blinds in the summer gives me goosebumps. I remember the way she used to stand in the doorway in her dressing gown with her arms folded whenever she wanted me to do something, I'd give in every damn time. I remember the way she'd smile up at me from the breakfast table and the way she'd hold me after a hard day at work. Everything fades as the days pass, every memory slips away and I have no idea how to hold on to them. Sometimes I even struggle to remember what she looks like. The thing is she refuses to see me now so it's not easy to familiarize myself with her looks. At first the weekly visits were what kept us all going but as the time went by her attitude changed, she'd hardly say two words to me, it even got to the point where I was removed from the jail after an argument. She says she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore, that I need to move on and find someone else to be the perfect family with. Nick says it's the experience inside that's making her say things she doesn't mean but he wasn't in the room when she said it and he didn't see the anger in her eyes.

'Hey babe, I brought you some pictures of Brandon and some of Lindsey. I thought you could put them up, make it a little more homely or maybe it'll give you something to fight for when we start the appeal.'

Photos are passed across the table

' This ones him in an outfit that Nick got for him, its lovely isn't it?! And this one is of Lindsey and Brandon, that was at the park. Oh and this one is me and Brandon, Lindsey took the photo, I think she could really go far in photography when she's older. Well if she wants to that is, we'll have to get her to take some photos when your back home, which will be soon hopefully what with the appeal and everything.'

'For god's sake Sara just listen to yourself will you, you are totally delusional. I have 4 years left in here and by then Brandon will be 5 and he'll have no fucking clue who I am and Lindsey will be old enough to move out, get herself a nice man and forget about us.'

'Cath stop it, Brandon will always know who you are. I show him pictures every day and I tell him about you constantly, I know he's only 1 but he knows. I can see it in his eyes.'

'He's too young to understand, even you don't understand and you're a 30 something single mother with more qualifications than most people at work put together. Jesus Christ Sara you need to sort your life out.'

'Why are you treating me like this? All I've done for the last year is fight to get you out of here, I've given up everything to clear up this mess.'

'Do you want a fucking medal for it? I never asked you to give up your precious life, you're the one that went out and got pregnant, lied to me for months, refused to tell me who the father was and then chucked me out for no damn reason….'

'Cath please…'

'I haven't finished! Because now I'm suddenly locked up you wanna play happy families and fight for me. Convenient isn't it? Now you know I've got no hope of getting outta this dump you pretend to want me because it makes everything easier, it's easier to tell the children that you didn't leave me you just couldn't be with me because of the circumstances. Well you know what?! I'm gonna make it damn easy for you, I won't be appealing and in 4 years time I won't be coming back to you. There now you can fuck off without any guilt because I've dumped you.'

Sara is crying hysterically and fighting to get any words out. Catherine slams her hand on the table between them to get her attention, she also gets the attention of all the guards in the room and most of the prisoners which was really her intention all along.

'Oh stop with the tears already, my heart bleeds for you, it really does. And you can take your cheap ring back, I mean I never really liked it anyway.'

Catherine pulls the engagement ring off of her finger and throws it at Sara. Immediately guards come running from all directions and pull Catherine up from her seat and back towards the cell block gates, Sara is also escorted away by two guards.

'Cath, I hope you spend the rest of your life in here, you deserve it for what you've done.'

'Likewise sweetie cause the sex I get in here is a million times better than I ever got at home, not quite as good as April though.'

Catherine winks at Sara and allows herself to continue to be escorted away.

'What the fuck did you say?' Sara spits back trying to fight with all of her emotions but she doesn't get an answer as Catherine has already gone.'

Night after night I wonder to myself did she really say it or did I hear wrong because I know nothing she said to me that day was nice in any shape or form but the last comment, I'm pretty sure even Catherine wouldn't have said that. On the other hand I'm not sure it's something my brain would have made up. I felt sick as I left the prison that day, I thought about what I was going to tell the others and most of all what I was going to tell Lindsey. After a long walk and several beers I decided to do the most sensible thing and lie through my teeth. It wasn't the best thing to do, I'm the first to admit that but I couldn't bear to tell Lindsey the words that had come out of her mothers mouth.

Lindsey goes to see her Mom every week and from what I can gather Catherine hasn't told her about the fight or that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, or if she has then Lindsey has been decent enough not to tell me. I pretend that I've been to see her and that everything's ok and that the appeal will still go ahead but I'm not sure how much longer I can make this last. I'm dying inside and eventually I think I may give up.


	17. Life Without Her Part 2, Cath's POV

**Here's the next part of the chapter, I'm trying to start with the next one too but it's back to work tomorrow and I'm not sure when I'll have time to write but I'll try.**

**I hope this kinda explains Catherine's behavior from part one.**

* * *

I walk along the block on the way back from lunch, holding my arms tightly across my chest and walk with my head down focusing only on the dirty floor tiles beneath my feet. I may have been here almost a year but time passes so slowly and I know it's only a matter of time before someone starts something. I've noticed a few of the new girls giving me the eye and deep inside I know they are after blood, they're after my blood.

'Oh look it's the dyke.'

A tall, good looking woman shouts over, she's one of the new ones. Only been here a week or so but she hasn't taken her eyes off me since. I saw the way she was looking at Sara and I in disgust when she came to visit last week, I definitely think there's going to be trouble. Shit did I just refer to her as good looking?!

'What did you say?!'

I curse myself for being so open and swallow quickly, knowing I've made a mistake.

'Hey love no need to get defensive, there's nothing wrong with being gay. It's just we can't understand why you're with that bitch that comes to visit.'

We? I don't see anybody else, that means someone's been watching me. I feel sick, do I stand up for her? Or do I pretend that she's no one. Sometimes I do wonder if she's still what she was to me a year ago but I'm not sure I really want to know the answer.

'Who says I'm with her?'

'Oh look we have a smart ass, it's obvious honey. I saw the way she looked at you, you played it cool though. I'll give you credit for that but I saw the look in your eyes when she stroked your leg under the table.'

'I was just horny, it meant nothing. You do realize I've been in here almost a year and that amount of time does things to you. Especially your body.'

'I could always fix that for you honey.'

She winks and I can't help but feel flattered. I mentally curse myself and turn my attention back to the woman standing before me.

Another woman walks over and I see the anger in her eyes, I guess the flirting didn't escape her watchful eye. I watch her intently and realize she could do some serious damage with that body, I shake my head and focus back on what is being said.

'I mean if my girl had done what she's done, for me to stay with her she'd have to be fucking attractive and let's face it darling, she isn't much to look at. You on the other hand, damn I'd forgive you in a second.'

'What do you mean if your girl had done what she's done?' I blush slightly but try to stay serious.

'Omg Liz, she doesn't even know what she's done.'

'Oh come on she must know. Unless she's just some stupid little whore who's too busy with everyone but the wife'

Who the fuck does this bitch think she is? I could really slap her right now but I need to remember where I am. Yes calm down Catherine you're in a god damn prison and if you don't behave then bad things happen.

'Firstly she ISN'T my wife and secondly I obviously don't know what you are talking about. So one of you better start talking.'

Is being so forceful the right thing to do? I cringe as I see the bigger of the two raise her hand slightly. She opens her mouth to speak and lowers her hand but I don't miss the clenched fist at her side and the anger in her dark chocolate eyes. Dark chocolate eyes? Mmm I guess I still have a thing for those eyes, not the same but they'd make a good enough substitute.

'You know Beck right?'

Beck? Shit she used be mine and April's best friend until all those years ago when I walked out and never looked back, not even when they came to me for help.

'Yes, from a long time ago.'

I'll spare them the details, it seems they already know anyway. I wonder who has been running their mouth and they better be praying I don't ever find out.

'Well your bitch held a gun to her head to make her talk.'

'Is that all you're going to waste my time with? Because that I already know.'

You know I never was happy about Sara doing that and deep down I also know that Beck wouldn't be intimidated by some chick with a gun. I think Sara twisted the truth a little when she told me how she got her answers but I'd let it go cause I didn't want to fight anymore, it just was too much. It was like all my energy was being drained from me.

'I haven't finished yet lady! Liz you finish the story coz I don't think she's listening.'

'Well Beck's gone missing and word has it, your girl was the last one seen with her.'

'She's been seen since Sara was with her that night, if you're trying to turn me against her it's not working.'

I'm irritated, are they suggesting Sara would kill someone to get me out of here? Should I be impressed or disgusted that the woman I love would go that far to keep me. Would I kill to keep Sara? Actually that's ironic because that's why I'm here, I killed my ex best friend to stop her talking to my girlfriend. Well apparently that's how it happened. I sigh slightly and prepare myself for whatever is going to come next.

'Nah she went back didn't she, told her unless she helped with your appeal she'd frame her for the murder and ya know Beck didn't even care so told her to go fuck herself and she was told if she didn't help she'd be got rid of.'

She went back? And didn't tell me? No fucking way! Damn I am pissed!

'And now there's no Beck!'

I freeze and feel my heartbreaking all over again as I remember Lindsey telling me about the bloody sweater in the laundry basket and Sara's inability to answer the questions. I sigh again, louder this time and try to compose myself because I'm not sure what will happen if I make it obvious that my defenses are down.

'So you better start listening to us Catherine because we can protect you in here, it's bad enough everyone thinks you're in here for killing April but when they find out your bitch did Beck in then your pretty little face ain't gonna be so pretty anymore, you get me?'

Does she mean she's thinking of doing it or that others have already mentioned they are after me, I panic slightly and make a bigger distance between us. I swallow and choke out a quiet answer.

'Yeah I think I get it.'

'What was that Catherine?'

She shoves me against the wall and places her hand on the inside of my left thigh, I stay frozen as her breath makes my neck tingle and my heart skip a beat. She cocks her head up slightly and I feel her tongue dart across my earlobe before the words come tumbling out.

'Did you say you THINK you get it?' She spits into my ear.

I can't help but squirm as her hand moves a little higher, gently but surely stroking it's way up.

'Chase that's enough. Fucking hell why do you have to touch her up?! Scare her yes, slap her around a little but don't you ever do that again or I swear to god you'll need protecting as much as she does.'

'Shut your fucking mouth Liz, I'll do what I damn well like.'

'So Cath, you understand?'

'Yes, I undstand.' I manage to breathe out, shit am I turned on? I know I shouldn't be but I haven't felt a woman's touch in so so long.

Liz steps forward and pushes the other woman away from me, I figure her name is Chase. Liz turns to me and starts speaking.

'Good so you need to finish with her, tell her it's over otherwise I'm gonna send some people round there and who knows, she might just vanish.'

'So much for being on my side.'

'We are on your side, we just don't like her and if you know what's best you'll stay the fuck away from her, I know she looks after your children. What's gonna happen to them if she disappears huh?'

My heart almost stops beating as I think about Lindsey and someone hurting her and I know it's time to play along.

'Ok you've made your point, I'll finish with her. I'll do whatever it takes just leave Sara and the kids alone, they're all I've got.'

'Well you better get back to your cell before the word spreads, don't worry we'll be here to look out for you.'

They walk away and Chase turns to wink at me, I wink back and immediately curse myself. I Catherine Willows will not jump into bed with someone I have just met. I love Sara….I love Sara…..Do I love Sara?

I quickly head back to my cell, sit on the bed and break down in tears as I realize this is never going to be over. Not even when my 4 years are up, the fight will still go on unless I can find who really killed April. I look to a photo on the wall and suddenly I have the worst thought, the realization hits and I can't stop myself from bringing my lunch back up.

God I've been so blind, why didn't I realize at the beginning?! Why does everything suddenly make perfect sense?! So now I know what I have to do, I have to serve my four years and wait, wait patiently. There can be no appeal, nothing about Beck can come up and life with Sara and the children is never going to be the same.

She's coming to visit tomorrow, I've been off with her the last few visits. I'm not sure why, maybe just because the time is getting to me and I feel like everyone is staring at her the moment she walks through the door. April knew so many people inside and they are never going to forget what I have done, forgiveness is not an option and some of them would do anything to hurt me. Sara and I are over and this time it's for good.

_'Hey, um you going to talk to me today?'_

_'Hey.' Shit I hate the way she looks at me._

_'Hey, how's things?'_

_'Sara cut out all the crap, life is too short, just say what you wanna say and then go.'_

_Come on breathe Catherine, you can do this._

_'I wanted to tell you about Brandon's 1st birthday. It was amazing babe, totally amazing. He had all his friend's over from child care and Lindsey and I made a cake. He got lots of presents, really he got too many, your Mom and Nancy came and so did everyone from work, even Ecklie sent a card. Hard to believe right?! We had a bouncy castle and balloons and……'_

_I drift off and stop listening as I fights the tears in my eyes._

_Why the fuck is she doing this to me, can't she see that this is killing me, it's bad enough I'm in here but for her to come in shouting about what a great time they're having without me doesn't make it any easier. Anyway I'm supposed to be ending it, I really need to do that now. Get it over with and start the rest of my life._

_'Cath.'_

_Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up and it'll all be just a dream._

_'Cath?'_

_No such luck, she's still here._

_'Baby, what's wrong?'_

_I look up and see the tears in Sara's eyes and I decide that now isn't the right moment after all._

_'Nothing Sar, I just need you to leave.'_

_I see Chase and Liz across the room, both pretending to be interested in their visitors but I know their eyes are on us and I know I'm going to be sorry when I get back to the wing._

_'But Honey this hour is all we get until next week and I miss you.'_

_And after next week you'll be missing me a hell of a lot more._

_'But today maybe 10 minutes is all we have.' It's not much of a reply but it's better than what I'm really thinking._

_'Sometimes I really struggle to understand you.'_

_I should feel sadness, hurt and remorse but I don't I shrug my shoulders and twiddle a loose strand of hair between my fingers._

_I remember watching her leave and becoming so angry with myself for not just telling her it was over, I so nearly shouted after her that it would be better that she didn't come back and that she took her ring and memories and got lost with them. I couldn't do it, I found myself choking on my tears as they gushed from my eyes and I knew that no matter what either had done in the past, even if it included crazy shit like cheating and murder that we'd never be able to fully hate each other and we'd never be able to move on._

So it's been 352 days, 16 hours, 24 minutes and 13 seconds since they found me guilty. They didn't sentence me for murder but got me for manslaughter, I got 5 years. Can you believe it, 5 damn years I have to spend in this rotten jail while April's real killer is out there getting on with their life as normal, it disgusts me. Every day has been a struggle, I think the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the children need me to be strong for them, obviously Brandon is too young to understand but Lindsey is broken, broken beyond repair. A girl needs her mother and as hard as I try I can never be her Mom from inside a prison cell.

And I miss Sara. Everything fades as the days pass, every memory slips away and I have no idea how to hold on to them. Sometimes I even struggle to remember what she looks like…….


	18. Blood Drops

**This took me longer to get started on than I'd hoped, so sorry for the delay. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be but I have a few days off work next week and may be in the mood for some updates.**

* * *

A dark corridor, a flickering light, a steel door, a cold concrete floor and an even colder body laying upon it. The figure looks tiny as the dark open space almost engulfs her, her legs are sprawled at an unnatural angle and her hair covers her face completely. There's no movement in the dingy room with only just enough space to swing a cat, apart from the gentle rise and fall of Catherine's chest, it in fact is the only thing that convinces her that she is still breathing.

Catherine slowly tries to lift her head but a shooting pain traveling up her neck stops her in her tracks and she allows her head to roughly fall back onto the stone floor. Her hand brushes against the gash across her head, the warmth of a substance coating her hair causes her to move her hand like she's been burnt. She winces slightly at the pain as she runs her fingers over her wound again to inspect the damage.

The sight of her blood covered hand causes her to panic slightly and she closes her eyes hoping that when she opens them again that her hand will be blood free and it will all be just a dream. Unfortunately when she opens her eyes the blood still remains and her head still pounds, she closes her eyes again in complete desperation. This time she keeps her eyes closed and allows her mind to drift.

She remembers the first time she met Sara, her gorgeous chocolate eyes that hid more than just her personality, her toothy gap grin, her plain clothes that hugged in all the right places, her ability to stand up to a feisty strawberry blonde. Out of everything that was what really attracted her to Sara, the fact she could handle a real women and she wouldn't be scared off by anger outbursts and nights on the sofa. She remembers their first date, their first kiss and the first time they made love, properly made love. Of course they'd slept together many times before that but it didn't qualify as making love, a quickie on Catherine's desk, on a dirt track road in the back of Sara's car, in the parking lot behind the lab and on the kitchen floor were all wild and in Catherine's own words fucktastic but she considered everyone of those occasions to be 'fucking' rather than making love.

--

'_So here we are.'_

'_Indeed we are.'_

'_Why are we here Catherine?'_

'_I figured we'd never really been on a real date before.'_

'_But why here?'_

'_You don't like my choice?'_

'_You know I love it, its just we always come here for breakfast with the team.'_

'_And just the two of us seems wrong?'_

'_No, its just not. Well just not very romantic.'_

'_Is anything about us romantic Sar?'_

'_I guess not……..and I wouldn't change it for the world.'_

_There was nothing spectacular about the date, the diner was really a cheap greasy diner, with plastic chairs and tables that needed replacing at least five years before but it was normality for them and they both felt entirely comfortable with both the company and the surroundings. The real fun started with the pudding, a drop of syrup trailing down from Sara's lips lit a fire inside Catherine. Her hand found Sara's thigh and her fingers did their dance over the tight denim causing a moan to escape Sara's lips._

'_Cat…'_

'_Mmmm?'_

'_I'm not sure that is entirely appropriate.'_

_Her hand stroked further up Sara's thigh and she pulled her closer so that their lips were almost touching. Sara closed her eyes waiting for the kiss but Catherine cheekily licked the syrup from Sara's blushing lips and giggled slightly at Sara's response. Her hand continued to travel further up the toned thigh._

'_What exactly is not appropriate baby?'_

'_That.'_

'_Maybe I should get the check and we could move this somewhere a little more appropriate.'_

_--_

The first was more of a memory, something she struggled to remember through the pain but the second is more of a reality, she remembers it as if she is there in that room, reliving the moment as if she was revisiting it for the first time. She knows exactly every word that left her mouth that night and every touch that pleasured her skin.

--

'_I can't believe that film, it was amazing. Don't you think? The ending was so unpredictable, that twist. It was so cool. God does that make me sound geeky?'_

'_Just shut up and kiss me.'_

'_Huh?'_

'_I said just shut up and kiss me.'_

_Sara moves closer to Catherine and is rewarded by being pulled into her lap. She wraps her legs around Catherine's waist and Catherine's arms wrap around her waist. They move closer so their lips are almost touching but Sara freezes and gets lost in the sparkling blue orbs in front of her._

'_Babe this is the part where you kiss me.'_

_._

_._

_._

_._

'_You know our lips kinda have to touch to constitute a kiss.'_

'_Really? I did not know that.' _

_Sara smirks at the beautiful woman before her and within seconds their lips are brushing together and moving in perfect motion, tongues are begging for entrance and dancing their special dance. Seconds turn into minutes and all anxiety has long left those chocolate eyes. Catherine pulls away, biting her own lip slightly. _

'_Wow.'_

'_Wow.'_

'_That was worth waiting four years for.'_

'_More than worth it.'_

_--_

_Stair by stair, step by step the bedroom had never felt so far away for Catherine. The fact that she was practically carrying Sara up the staircase probably added to the distance and definitely added to the time it was taking to reach their destination. Catherine had no idea how long it had been since she'd lost her shirt and no idea where it was either. She didn't really care about the lost clothes or the time it took to get up the stairs she had more important things on her mind, tonight would be the night that she finally made love to Sara Sidle. She smiles into Sara's neck as they slide through the slightly ajar door and close it behind them. _

_Catherine was never normally one for taking her time with sex, she would freely admit that she'd normally be in bed with someone after the first date and making love wasn't normally on the agenda but with Sara it was different. At first it wasn't important, the need to satisfy and pleasure were paramount and gently was not a word either of them seemed familiar with._

_The rest of their clothes were lost slowly but effortlessly and their bodies soon were tangled between ivory silk sheets. The feel of silk on naked skin was a totally new experience for Sara and it only quickened her arousal._

'_And what do you call this 'thing' we are laying on?'_

'_I do believe they call it a bed.'_

'_Interesting, very interesting.'_

_Catherine can't help but laugh, she really loves the way Sara comes up with the stupidest things at the wrong moments but somehow in the process makes it feel totally right. _

_Catherine's fingers dart gently across Sara's opening and tease at the soft skin, before slipping inside and earning a beautiful moan. Sara's back is ever so slightly arched and her head thrown back against the pillows, the softness making her feel like she's in heaven. Catherine's fingers stroke slowly and gently really trying to stop herself from going faster. Her bodies natural pace was fast, fast to the point of thrusting and she wasn't going to ruin this beautiful moment by slipping into normality._

_Sara's hands found Catherine's hair as their lips smoldered together with passion and fire they'd never felt before. Their tongues danced the same way a loving couple dance the waltz and Catherine's fingers remained slow and sensual taking Sara to a place she'd never been before._

_The moaning and the calling of her name sounded so much better than she'd ever imagined and her breathing was labored even though the act had seemed effortless. Their tangled bodies settled for a night of sleep, with the rise and fall of their chest mirroring each others. _

'_I think I could get used to this new concept.'_

'_You mean making love?'_

'_No I meant the bed.'_

_--_

She remembers the first, second and third time Sara asked her to marry her, the last two didn't even show an ounce of romance. That wasn't her fault, she'd meant it all the same but outside a courtroom waiting for a verdict and inside a prison's visitors hall were never going to be romantic, memorable but not romantic. The first time though was everything she'd ever dreamed of and more.

_--_

_She'd walked through the door at around 9pm, totally exhausted from the day she was planning to leave behind with a long soak in the bath with her favorite bubble bath and a glass of wine. She kicked off her shoes and headed for the kitchen, the smell of her girlfriend's sensational pasta dish filled the air and her nostrils. A small note on the table attracted her attention._

_Follow the petals my angel….._

_She'd frowned at the note and turned around almost in slow motion, suddenly she was aware of the petals littering the hallway. She'd trodden on almost all of them on her way in but hadn't noticed. She should have been angry at the total mess before her eyes but she wasn't, if she'd walked in to Lindsay having thrown petals all over the hallway it would have indeed been a different story. _

_One by one she followed the petals to the bathroom, her fluffy white dressing gown was hanging on the hook on the door and the bath was run, filled with bubble bath that was threatening to escape over the sides. Another note was perched against the soap and Catherine couldn't help but feel butterflies dancing in her stomach as she reached out for it._

_Relax, unwind and refresh your beautiful body and soul. Enjoy the wine, the bubbles and the silence._

_Catherine kissed the note gently before placing it back against the soap, she removed her clothes and slipped into the hot water, not burning hot but hot enough to make her body react. The soft bubbles wash against her even softer skin and she reaches for the perfectly chilled glass of white wine. She smiles knowing that she is in heaven._

_Eventually she slides on her dressing gown, in the haste to find out what lies ahead she forgets to dry herself off, wet footprints are left behind her as she heads towards the bedroom. As she pushes open the door, she catches her breath, candles flicker in the dim light, petals lace both the floor and the silk sheets. Another note is propped against the pillows. _

_If you're wondering why our hallway is a mess and who's going to clean up then you are not relaxed enough. If that thought hadn't crossed your mind until you read those words then open the box._

_Catherine looked around finally allowing her eyes to rest on an ordinary looking box placed on the bed side cabinet. She opened the lid slowly and removed an envelope, she ripped it open, curiosity getting the better of her and as she opened the letter and reads the words a diamond ring fell into her lap._

_-- _

Slowly she opens her eyes and is distraught to find that she is still on the cold concrete floor and she is not wrapped up between Sara's legs, listening to the gentle beat of her heart. She watches as the blood drops collect on the floor before her eyes and realizes that she's still in love with Sara, as much as the first day they met, if not more.

As the steel door screeches open and shouts from the guards for assistance can be heard Catherine is only thinking of one thing.

It's amazing what a few blood drops can do……


	19. Emergency Room

The sound of the telephone echoes throughout the house for the fifth time in the last hour. The figure wrapped up in the silken sheets continues to ignore it and grabs a pillow, placing it over her head to drown out the noise. She'd cried herself to sleep the night before just like she had many times. It was becoming routine for her, she just couldn't sleep without her and if she did manage to sleep she couldn't stop dreaming about what she had done. A wave of relief washes over her as the phone finally stops ringing and she relaxes once again determined to get some more sleep.

"SARA, SARA!!" Lindsey screams as she comes flying through the bedroom door.

"Unless it's an emergency I'm not interested!"

"The jail were on the phone. It's Mom. She's in hospital."

Sara sits upright in bed, flinging the covers off of her body.

"What?"

"She's in the hospital. They said she's delusional and saying lots of weird stuff."

Sara frantically jumps out of bed almost tripping on a baby toy previously discarded by the cabinet.

"Did they say what happened?" Sara asks while rushing around the bedroom looking for some clothes.

"No they wouldn't tell me. Someone will meet us at the hospital."

"Can you ring your grandma and ask her to keep Brandon a little longer while I get dressed please?"

"I already did. I didn't tell her about Mom. I thought it was best not to until we know what's happening."

"Good thinking Kiddo. I'll meet you at the car in then."

"Sure thing."

"Oh and Sara." Lindsey says as she stops in the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"She's gonna be ok. She's a fighter."

"I know." Sara forces a smile before continuing to hunt for a suitable shirt.

The first twenty minutes of the car ride went by without a word from either Sara or Lindsey. They stole glances at each other at red lights and opened their mouths to speak on several occasions but nothing came out. Lindsey finally decides to break the silence ten minutes later.

"Sara?"

"Hmmm?"

"Is everything between you and Mom okay?"

Sara swallows and concentrates intensely on the road before her.

"Sara! Don't treat me like a little child." Lindsey states in an irritated manner.

"I know something is up!"

"Linds, I'm not treating you like a child, I'm…..I'm just in denial that's all."

"Denial about what?"

"Things haven't been easy this last year Linds, you know that."

"I know but things were okay at first, every time I saw Mom she wanted to know what we'd been doing, how you were, how Brandon was and now she hardly speaks. She hasn't mentioned you for weeks."

A small tear escapes Sara's eye, she doesn't bother to wipe it away.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"I know Kiddo. The thing is your Mom finished with me."

"WHAT??"

"About a month ago, she told me it was over. She threw the ring back in my face, apparently she never liked it anyway."

Sara pauses and takes a deep breath.

"She doesn't love me anymore."

Lindsey is crying by the time they reach the next stop light and Sara gently strokes her arm unsure of how to comfort her.

"Why didn't you tell me. Am I not important enough to know?"

"Of course you are important. You and your brother are everything to me. I was just hoping she'd change her mind. I didn't want to hurt you without reason."

"Does this mean when she gets out we'll never see you again?"

"I don't know sweetie. If she doesn't want me to see you then I'd have to respect that."

"This is so unfair! She finally gets with someone I actually like and then it all goes wrong."

"It's my fault. I was the one that broke her heart."

"No! If she hadn't of chucked you because she was jealous you would have never ended up with whoever and it doesn't even matter anymore because without all of that happening I wouldn't have my little brother. You don't regret having him do you?"

"No of course not. I just wish I'd told your Mom before we got serious again at least then she could have walked away."

Sara pulls into the hospital parking lot and sighs hopelessly at the sign. She locks the car and allows Lindsey's hand to slip into hers as they make their way into the Emergency Room.

"Excuse me?"

The receptionist smiles politely and offers her help.

"Do you have Catherine Willows booked in?"

After typing information into her computer she tuts and looks up at Sara.

"Yes, she's under twenty four hour watch due to her criminal status."

"Criminal status? She's innocent!" Sara slams her hand on the desk.

"Well the jury obviously didn't agree with you and I've been instructed not to let anybody other than family in."

"She's my fiancée. Does that not count as family??"

The receptionist makes a disgusted face and leans back in her chair. Lindsey moves in front of Sara and leans over the desk, looking the receptionist straight in the eyes.

"Now you look here! Just because you are too stupid and too far up your own ass to accept same sex relationships it doesn't give you the right to stop people seeing their family. Sara has paid more attention to me than any man my Mom's ever been with and she looks after me now, how many men do you know who would look after their partners child while they were locked up?! Huh? Cat got your tongue?."

Lindsey pauses and leans further over the desk.

"So are you going to let us through or am I going to have to cause a scene?"

The receptionist swallows and turns back to her computer.

"She's on the third floor, bed three."

Lindsey smiles and moves away from the desk.

"Have a nice day won't you!"

Sara and Lindsey make their way to the third floor.

"I would tell you off for that attitude if I wasn't so proud."

Lindsey laughs.

"Well I don't think she liked you much."

"Funny. I got that impression too."

As they approach bed three a guard stops them and takes them off into a side room.

"How is she?"

"Not too good. She has a bad head injury."

"But she's going to be okay? The doctors must have told you something??" Lindsey asks hopefully.

"You'll need to speak to them."

"What happened?" Sara asks.

"It seems she was involved in a fight of some kind. We found her in her cell. No one else has been identified yet."

"How could this happen? Don't you monitor any of them?"

"Of course we do but we do not have camera's in the cells. If she hadn't off committed murder in the first place we wouldn't be in this situation." The guard smirks.

Sara jumps from her chair and gets in the guards face.

"She didn't kill anyone!"

"Sar, I think we should just go and see Mom now."

Sara and Lindsey walk into the room followed closely behind by the guard, another guard is sitting beside the bed and is visibly handcuffed to Catherine. Sara sighs and tries to fight the tears pricking at her eyes.

"MOM." Lindsey runs to her Mother's side and throws her arms around her.

"Linds?" Catherine questions weakly.

"I'm here Mom. Sara's here too. What happened?"

"I don't remember."

"You don't remember anything at all? You must remember something?"

"Linds please stop the questioning, my head hurts."

"Sorry…I just….I'm worried Mom."

"Don't be sweetie, I'm gonna be just fine."

Catherine looks towards Sara and feels her heart breaking at the sight of Sara's tears. Sara refuses to look at Catherine, she can't handle seeing the rejection in her eyes. She only really came to the hospital for Lindsey's sake and to convince herself that Catherine was okay and that there was no reason to worry. Seeing the woman she loves more than anything in the world and knowing that she doesn't feel the same is too much for her and she runs from the room.

Lindsey continues talking to Catherine until she falls asleep. She kisses her forehead gently and leaves in search of Sara, she finds her leaning against a wall in the parking lot. Lindsey knocks the cigarette from Sara's hand and curses her.

"Sorry I just needed one."

"No you think you needed one and there's a big difference."

Sara sighs.

"I'm sorry for running out on you. It was just too much to take."

"It's okay. They're going to take her back at the end of the week. I told Mom you'd go see tomorrow."

"There's no point."

"Sar she really wanted to talk to you. I could see it in her eyes. If those guards hadn't of been there. The nicer one said he'd give you some time alone. Of course he'd be outside the room but it would give you time to talk."

"There's nothing left to say."

"So you're giving up? I can't believe you! She's everything to you and you're just going to walk away??"

"She doesn't love me anymore Lindsey. There's no point hurting myself even more."

"Bullshit. She loves you more than ever. Just give her the chance to tell you. Just one more chance and if she still says she don't want you then you can walk away"

The pair climb into the car and Sara starts the engine. Lindsey stares at Sara waiting for a response.

"So?"

"So?"

"Are you going to go see Mom tomorrow?"

"That all depends on how much you try to convince me before then."

Sara turns and smiles at Lindsey. Lindsey laughs knowing she's already got what she wants.

"Well now is a better time to start than any. I could have a lot of convincing to do!"


	20. Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Sara stops outside the hospital entrance to finish off her cigarette. She knows she shouldn't be smoking and that she doesn't want to be smoking, it's not something she enjoys anymore. She takes another deep puff to gain the courage she needs before stubbing out the cigarette and placing two mints into her mouth to try and mask the smell.

She enters the hospital and heads straight for the elevator, knowing full well if she stops for too long then she'll turn and head straight back home. She smiles at the old couple already in the elevator as she gets in.

"Which floor would you like?" The old lady smiles politely

Sara smiles back.

"3rd please."

The old man reaches over and presses the 3rd floor button. They remain in silence until the familiar ping echoes through Sara's ears and the door open in front of her. She doesn't move and makes no attempt to either.

"Excuse me love, isn't this the floor you wanted?"

"Oh yes, thank you. Sorry my mind was a million miles away."

Sara forces a smile as she exits the elevator and heads towards bed three. As she arrives outside, she finds no guard monitoring the corridor or the outside of the room like she had seen the day before. She slowly opens the door and walks in. The same guard as yesterday is sitting in a chair by the bed reading his newspaper, his arm still visibly handcuffed to Catherine's. Sara makes a mental note to herself that it looks like he hasn't even moved since the last time she saw him. She coughs loudly to announce her presence and the young guard looks up and smiles.

"Nice to meet you again. Give me a second and we'll get these handcuffs off."

"Thank you. I appreciate this."

He smiles and removes the cuffs before leaving to stand outside the door. Sara takes a step nearer to the bed but doesn't say anything. She remains this way for several minutes until Catherine finally speaks.

"You gonna stand there all day?"

"Maybe, I was just considering my options."

"And those would be what?"

"Leave before you notice me."

"I think it's a little late for that one."

"Yeah."

"Option two?"

"Fight for the woman I love."

"Hmmm I kinda like option two."

Catherine smiles and holds her hand out towards Sara, motioning for her to take a seat and hold her hand.

"I didn't think you would come."

"I almost didn't but Lindsey convinced me that I need to try and sort this out. I know you don't love me anymore so we can keep this quick and then I can tell Lindsey that I tried."

"Sara have you been drinking?" Catherine asks with anger evident in her voice.

"No. The mess my life is in though would you blame me if I had?!"

"I can smell the mints on your breath."

"Oh those are to cover up the cigarettes, I guess I'm busted."

Catherine laughs silently.

"I thought you gave those up."

"I did. Well until a few days ago."

"Sara…" Catherine looks at her lovingly.

"What happened? How did you end up like this?" Sara looks at Catherine's black eye and bandaged head with concern.

"It's not important what happened."

"To me it is."

Catherine sighs.

"There was this girl, she'd been giving me grief for weeks. She tried it on with me and…."

"And what?"

"And I told her my heart belongs to someone else. I told her that…that I only left you to keep myself safe. God what a selfish cow I was Sar, all I thought about was myself, I didn't stop to think about you for a second."

"What I'm trying to say is…..well….I'm so sorry babe."

Sara remains quiet and looks to the floor.

" Darling please look at me. I know I said some unforgivable things but I am truly sorry. I know it's taken me a long time to say it but I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for doubting you when you told me there was nothing going on with Claire, I'm sorry for the way I shouted and ran out on you when I found out you were pregnant."

Catherine pauses to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I know I've broken your heart a million times over. I'm sorry for not saying the words you wanted me to say before you went into labor. I'm so sorry for everything but mostly I'm sorry for all I've said to you over the last few weeks. I want to go ahead with the appeal and get home so we can start over. I love you more than I've ever loved you, it's just taken all of this shit to make me realize."

"I don't know if I can forgive you. You remember what you said to me? About how I was just saying those things because I knew you were stuck in jail? What if you're only saying this because you think it'll be easier to get through the next four years like this?"

Sara is sobbing gently, still unable to look at the woman she loves more than anything in the world.

"If I didn't love you I would have just slept with her. You know what I'm like Sar, what I was like before you. If I saw something I wanted I'd make damn sure I got it. It was on a plate and for the first time in ages I wasn't the slightest bit tempted. Please babe just look at me."

Sara looks up and Catherine moves her hand to wipe away the tears.

"Please Sara. Try and find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me."

"I don't want to lose you. I want us to get back to how we were in the beginning before all of this happened."

Catherine smiles gently and entwines her fingers with Sara's.

"Do you think that guards still alive out there, he's been awhile."

Sara laughs.

"I'm sure he's fine babe. I brought your ring with me, I've been carrying it around like a love sick puppy since you threw it back at me. I'll get you a new one, we could go choose it together when you get home."

"Sar I loved the ring I had. I didn't mean any of what I said, it was all for show. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"You bet you will."

Sara leans over and kisses Catherine. Their first kiss in over a year is more amazing than either could have imagined. Catherine tongue plays along Sara's lip begging for entrance while her hands roam over Sara's curves.

"Cath."

"Cath!"

"Hmmm?"

"As much as I love you I think we should save this."

Catherine sticks out her tongue in protest.

"Spoil sport, I was just starting to enjoy myself."

"They'll be plenty of time to enjoy ourselves once we get you out of that hell hole."

"You're my world Sara, you know that right? I'm nothing without you."

Sara smiles.

"I know."

Sara removes the ring from her pocket and slips it back onto Catherine's awaiting finger. They smile at each other before noticing the guard hovering outside the door and know it's their cue to wrap things up. Sara leans over and gives Catherine another quick kiss before standing and preparing herself to leave.

"I'll get the appeal started, I promise we'll have you home really soon."

"Appeals aren't that easy. It could still be years yet."

"Cath…"

"I'm sorry I just don't want you to have false hope. We need to be completely honest with each other from now on. Any cracks in our relationship could ruin this."

Sara averts her gaze to the guard standing in the doorway and tries to indicate that they need another minute, he nods and disappears from sight once again.

"Is there anything you need to tell me Sar?"

"You know don't you."

"I have a pretty good idea."

"It wasn't supposed to happen like that but she's one cocky bitch. She told me that she saw everything, she made some nasty accusations Cath. I just lost my temper, I lashed out."

"What did you do with her?"

"What do you mean, what did I do with her?"

"The body."

"God Cath I didn't kill her. Jesus! I just hit her, I broke her nose. I took her straight to the hospital and got her treated. I told her if I ever saw her face around here again I'd do much more than break her nose."

Catherine lets out a large sigh of relief.

"Thank God for that."

Sara laughs.

"How ironic would that be huh?"

"You mean me being locked up for a murder I didn't commit and you being an actual murderer?"

They both laugh.

"Cath, this is going to hurt to hear but the person she accused of killing April, well we know them. Saving you would mean shopping them and I'm not sure you'll be prepared to do it. Not that I'm saying they did, I'm pretty sure she was lying."

"I doubt it babe. I know who did it."

"What?"

"I know but I can't prove it. You need to find Becky and get her to testify and find some evidence."

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

"Come on sweetie you're a CSI. Surely you can think of something."

"Cath maybe you should tell me who you think it is just incase we're on different levels once again."

"Ok after 3 we'll both say it."

"One…"

"Two…"

"Three…."

"Ok ladies I'm afraid your time is up." The guard says on his entrance back into the hospital room.

Sara curses and leaves the room knowing that she has a lot of work to do. She flips open her phone and dials a familiar number.

"Hi, it's me. I need your help."


	21. Like Taking Candy From A Baby

A woman in dark shades scans the casino floor and slips through the crowd hoping not to be seen. The atmosphere is buzzing, business men and well dressed women surround the bar and the tables. Old women and tourists are crowding the slot machines and security staff are littered around the building. The young woman grabs a tall man from the crowd and pulls him into a dark space between a pillar and a rather menacing looking plant.

"And what are we doing here exactly?"

"You're here to play the game."

"Jesus Christ you're gonna get me killed, you know I'm not supposed to gamble. My Grams will have my guts for garters."

"Chill out will you."

"Why couldn't I have a disguise too?"

"Because I need you to be noticed."

"Well that's just grand babe. I knew I shouldn't have let myself get talked into this."

"I'll make it up to you."

"Oh yeah then I'll have your god damn fiancée after me too."

"I meant I'd shout you breakfast."

"Good cause I got a feeling I'm gonna need it after this. What exactly are you going to be doing while I'm doing my thing."

"Well I'll be doing my thing." She lifts her dark shades and winks at him.

"Okay smart ass! The fact that we're in one of his casinos is significant isn't it?"

"Nah I just randomly picked this one."

He laughs quietly as to not bring unwanted attention to themselves.

"Okay get out there and play, I'll phone you when I'm ready."

"Okay you be careful girl."

"Careful is my middle name."

He laughs as he disappears into the crowd and towards a table placed directly in front of a security camera. He pushes his way to the table and places a large amount of chips to show he is serious. Being an ex gambler he knows exactly how to play the game and how to make sure that all of the security guards have their eyes on him and him alone.

With securities eyes elsewhere she sneaks to the keypad and tries various combinations but nothing seems to be working. She curses and decides to try one last code, the chances of it working are slim and she knows she may have to walk out of the building and admit to failure. She types in the four digit code and smirks as the lock twists open in her hand.

"God babe I sure do love you."

She slips through the door and makes her way up the staircase until she reaches the next locked door.

"Hmmm. Surely he isn't that stupid." She mutters as she enters the same code as before.

The lock once again clicks open in her hand and she can't help but laugh.

"What an idiot."

She walks the long corridor, taking a look in different rooms as she passes them. She constantly looks behind her half expecting for security to grab her at any minute but they don't. She looks up at the camera and makes note of the flashing green light.

"Well I guess my disguise wasn't that fantastic." She says to no one in particular.

She reaches the office door and barges through. The sight before her is not what she expects, she was expecting him to be sitting at his desk watching the door but he isn't. He's standing by the window with a shocked expression on his face.

"How the fuck did you get in here?"

"You didn't see me coming?"

"No. The cameras in the corridor are blank and I've been watching that idiot at table 1 for the past twenty minutes."

She laughs slightly.

"Well I guess it's two nil to me then."

He freezes and averts his eyes, suddenly realizing who is standing before him.

"Shit it's you."

"You seriously didn't recognize the voice?"

"God give me a break I've only met you once. I didn't like you then and I sure as hell don't like you now."

"Well I don't think much of you either."

"What did you bring that idiot with you for?"

"Diversion of attention. It seemed to work pretty well."

"Indeed. I never have understood what she saw in him."

"Nice fucking try Sam."

"Oh come on love you know she was hooked on him at one point and I know my daughter. When she wants something she makes damn well sure that she gets it. She's definitely had him."

Sara removes her glasses throwing them onto the desk beside her and pulls the tie from her hair.

"Your games won't work with me Sam."

"Neither will yours with me Miss Sidle. Now what do I owe you the pleasure of this visit?"

"I want answers."

"I'm not a man of answers I'm afraid. I prefer asking the questions."

"Well the tables are well and truly turned. So are you going to tell me where he is or do I have to make this a public enquiry?"

He laughs as he pours himself a glass of whiskey.

"I'm not scared of a public enquiry."

"Well what does scare you?"

"I'm Sam Braun, nothing scares me."

"Not even your own daughter lying fighting for her life in a hospital bed?"

His face falls and Sara knows she's got him exactly where she wants him.

"Catherine's in hospital?"

"She was attacked."

"Why?"

"Because you Mr Braun would rather your own daughter went down for murder than admit someone from your organization did it."

"That is ludicrous. If I could save Catherine I would."

"No if you weren't so scared you could save her but you're weak Sam. In fact you're the weakest man I know."

He smirks before taking a large swig from the glass in his hand.

"I'm just glad she's got four more years to become bored with you."

This time it's Sara's turn to smirk.

"You see the thing is Sam she isn't going to get bored."

"Catherine always gets bored, you're just her latest play thing. Come on you must know you mean nothing to her."

"We're getting married."

Sam almost chokes on the warm liquid slipping down his throat and spits the remainder over the rug beneath his feet.

"Bullshit. Over my dead body will she marry you!"

"I'm afraid you have no say in the matter. I guess you aren't going to co-operate which is a shame because now I'm going to have to use that evidence I've been saving."

"What evidence?"

"You remember that one time we met Sam? You came to the house, you were more than a little late. Catherine was heartbroken, thought you'd let her down all over again and then bingo you turn up with a flesh wound and a bottle of wine. Did you ever wonder where I went for those twenty minutes? Ever wonder where I disappeared to?"

She pauses for effect and watches the colour drain from his face.

"No, well I guess you never wondered where the gun went either then."

"You bitch!" He spits venomously as he launches towards her.

"Don't even think about it, I've got a back up team around the corner. Now give me the evidence I need and I'll destroy the gun."

"How do I know you won't hand it in anyway?"

"Well I haven't before have I? Don't waste time Sam. The longer Catherine is inside the more she's gonna get hurt. You don't want to be responsible for that do you?"

He sighs and walks to his desk, he pulls open a draw and removes a tape. He shoves the tape into Sara's hand and closes the draw again taking a deep breath.

"You've got what you came for now go and take that idiot with you before he wipes out my casino."

"Well it was nice doing business with you Mr Braun. I'll look forward to you becoming my father-in-law."

He smirks once again as she pushes past him to reach the door.

"Sorry sweetheart but she will get tired of you."

He leans closer to her and whispers in her ear.

"You won't ever satisfy her like he did."

Sara pulls away, grabs the door and wrenches it open before disappearing around the corner. Her anger is immense and she shouts back over her shoulder.

"You disappoint me. A successful business man like you and every damn code in this building is the same. Using your daughter's birthday wasn't a smart move either."

She doesn't wait for a reply, she exits through the two doors and slips back onto the casino floor. She spots a large crowd at table 1 and knows Warrick is working his magic as well as working up suspicion. She takes out her cell and hits speed dial 3.

"Yo girl, you still alive?"

"Barely. Get your butt moving, we're leaving."

"But I was starting to have fun."

"Warrick! Don't make me come after your guts too."

"Okay, Okay I'm coming."

She watches Warrick slip away from the table. He meets her back by the doorway and she takes the chips from his hand, placing them in an old ladies bag as they leave.

"Damn girl what did you do that for?"

"To stop you spending them. Come on we've got more work to do."

"Why do I not like the sound of this?"

"Because you Warrick are a grade A wimp."

"Hey that is no fair. I just saved your pretty ass in there!"

" No wonder she got bored of you." She mutters to herself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing War."

"Okay then lets rock and roll!"

"Just shut up and start walking will you."

"So how did it really go in there?"

"It was like taking candy from a baby." She smiles and he smiles back content with the fact that they still had it, whatever 'it' may be.

Sara rolls her eyes and knows this is going to turn into the longest day ever. She sighs and climbs into the passenger seat after finally agreeing that it would be better if Warrick drove.

"So are you going to tell me what all this is about?"

"No." Is all she mutters as they descend out of the strip and back to the comfort of the lab.


End file.
